Let me start by saying that this post is written unapologetically, and unsubtly for the benefit of a specific person! This is directed towards my future husband but also someone else, who might end up being one and the same as Mr Huggie-Wuggie! When I tell you that I have had crushes on guys before, but not on you, that does not mean that I am offering you any less of myself, or of my heart or that I am not going to be crazy about you. Because I have absolutely made up my mind that I am going to be crazy about my husband. What it does mean is that I have finally seen through the lie of crushes, at least these particular ones, and now I am wanting to build something based on a true and solid foundation.
Let me also say that it is past 1.30 am. I should be in bed, and I was, I’ve actually been getting to bed very early in the last few days. But then I got up, and I’ve been unable to get back to sleep, and in the meantime my mind has been wandering…And then again it has been so hot that it has been very challenging to work during the day, so it occurred to me that it might be an idea to work at night and sleep during the day instead… (And insulating my “home office” with a layer of duvet curtains might not help!)
This is not the first time I have attempted to write this post, or even the first time recently. I just don’t feel that I articulated my points very well in my previous attempt. With an idea I will continue bashing at it until I feel I have adequately explained what I want to explain. My difficulty with this particular topic is that it is a sensitive topic and it makes me feel extremely awkward to talk about. However I very much want to express these thoughts so I am willing to press through the awkwardness!
So a few months ago I was speaking to someone male and I was telling him about these big crushes I had had on these men in the past. Even back then I was trying to explain what I am going to attempt to explain here, but I definitely did not feel I did a good job then either!
So I have had a couple of big crushes in my life. It has taken me so long to understand myself regarding these. However trying to understand myself regarding those crushes was probably 50% of my reasoning for starting this blog in the first place. And now, a decade later, I feel I do understand myself better. (Apologies, I sincerely am trying to get to the point, but I feel as if I won’t be able to help meandering a bit on the way!)
The most important point I probably need to make here is that I have realised that these crushes were simply expressions of what was happening within me, or what I will call my “internal geography”. Each of these crushes was an expression of my own loneliness. So it was literally all about me, always, rather than about the guy in question. This could very easily veer into “Too Much Information” territory but basically these crushes were so big because the loneliness within my heart was so big. To say it again, once more, to be perfectly clear absolutely nothing ultimately happened with these guys. I did write a sequence of open blog posts to my second big crush, right here on this blog, but there was nothing romantic that actually happened. To be honest, he did not even respond, perhaps not in spite of the fact that but maybe, rather,F precisely because I was also praying so hard about it – perhaps! 🤣🤣🤣
Why I held onto these crushes
Here is the thing: I tightly held on to these crushes for two reasons: firstly I thought that I needed them so much because of my internal geography, and secondly I thought that they were real. Now I have realised that they are not real, for reasons that I will outline below. And yet my internal geography still yearns as deeply as ever for what it needs. However, I have realised that it is simply not going to be fulfilled through one of these crushes, because they were not real. This is why I still have such a big need for you, Huggie-Wuggie. This is why I can confidently assure you that I am going to be as crazy about you as I ever imagined I would be about one of these men. I just know now that I have found a far more accurate and reliable way of fulfilling my emotional needs. Obviously if this is to be a relationship then this would not just be about me, and I hope that I might also be able to cater to your needs. (I found myself giggling as I wrote that sentence!) I am going to attempt to be mature in discussing this topic (giggles some more!)
This is why I have realised that these crushes were not real. I thought that a crush was a lightning strike and the fact that I had a crush represented some kind of fundamental connection, which honestly, does not really square well with my faith, especially considering that these men did not share said faith! Shrug! I never really understood it to be honest, which is why I have spent so long trying to puzzle it out. However, in thinking more deeply about these guys, I have understood that the crush genuinely represented absolutely nothing. With Guy 1, my University crush, there was no real compatibility with him whatsoever. He seemed to be a nice enough guy, and I still feel awful for being mean to him. However I have realised that he simply did not have the kind of deep, meditative personality that I am looking for in my husband. I now realise that I projected that kind of personality onto him because that was what I needed. I was so obsessed at the time with the fact that he was not a Christian, but frankly our personalities were completely misaligned, and even if he had been a Christian, a relationship between us would still have been completely misjudged.
Guy No 2: My bigger work crush (as opposed to the lesser work crush!) He seemed like a nice guy too but you know what? As a person I am crazy deep. Like crazy deep! I only pretend to be “normal” for the sake of functioning in polite society. The physical attraction was real, and undeniable with this guy. However it would probably have become very apparent very quickly that we were not truly compatible by virtue of the fact that I am so deep. Furthermore, physical attraction is really easy to drum up. It literally just takes confidence. The mere fact that someone is confident in his masculinity does not mean that he and I would be well-matched in the long term.
The question of why I got a crush on these particular guys – because this goes into so much detail about these particular guys, I feel that it would definitely be too much information, and also completely unfair to these men, to discuss this here. However, I am more than willing to go into details with my eventual husband. Let me assure you, Mr Huggie-Wuggie, that you do not have to be worried about a future crush, now that I have a greater understanding of the way my mind works. Now I know to instantly reject a crush because I know that they are not real. Later in this post I hope to discuss more about my current approach to relationships, but first I will talk about something that has struck me even as I have been writing out this post:
As I have written above, I am crazy deep, that is the real me, and I have worked out how to function in polite society around “normal” people. Over the last day or so, before writing this post, I was thinking about ahem, “A Specific Person”, and thinking that, perhaps without realising it, the reason he has read this blog so much is because the emotional yearnings I have written of here resonate with him. Perhaps he also yearns for hugs, and for staring deep into his spouse’s eyes. So that occurred to me over the last few days. However, as I have been writing this, something else occurs to me: could it be that like me, he is also secretly immensely deep, and he has been hiding it, or doing his best to hide it, like me, for the sake of functioning in polite society? And because he has been doing such a good job of hiding it, I have simply never guessed?!” Are there some currently hidden layers to him, patiently waiting to be unravelled? (She asks hopefully!) You know what, I’m sure that for any spouse whatsoever, there are bound to be layers waiting to be discovered, even if he is not nearly as deep as I am. I do know that this particular individual is definitely not who I thought he was even a year ago, and not just because he may have changed…
Now that I understand the way my mind works, I can say that it is a definitely a compliment to him that I did not have a crush on him. Basically, in my loneliness, I unwittingly went around throwing out this crush possibilities to see wherever they would stick, and with all due respect to my actual crushes, it is a testament to his character that he did not allow it to stick to him, while still being polite and friendly. You know, I am always criticising Christian people generally, but this is the same for most Christian guys which might positively answer the question of why I have never had a crush on a Christian guy. However, not all Christian guys have been so polite and friendly. Once again I cannot go into too many details without possibly saying too much about The Crushes.
This is the way I hope to approach relationships now: to know what I need, and to not be ashamed of what it is I do need, to go out to find someone who matches that. This is the way that God has made me, and it is about accepting who I am. Some people are not prone to crushes because they do not have such deep emotional needs – and all power to them. I would not have sat down writing this blog and working all these things out were it not for my deep emotional needs, so all power to me too (well OK, all power to God – you know what I mean!!!)!
And then when I have found someone who matches what I need, and who also wants to be with me, to deliberately and consciously work on developing closeness and intimacy between the two of us. To embark upon a relationship with intent, rather than allowing ourselves to fall into a relationship, or “situationship”. To be open and communicate our needs and our goals. Because I understand that the prospect of true emotional compatibility is what makes me “crazy” about someone, this is how I can be confident that I will truly be crazy about you!
Character? I have somehow managed not to mention character in all of this, but commitment to Christ and pursuit of Christlike character remain the primary criteria. Now the thing is, if God is really orchestrating my future relationship, then He could bring someone who has the right character and the right profound personality…I can’t deny a certain hope just now, daringly confident, and yet, somehow still also so tentative…Despite talking about this for more than ten years, despite knowing that a particular person has been reading my blog for at least a few years, if not for all those ten years, (why do) I still feel so shy!
If this all also resonates with you Mr “Specific Person”, and if you know who you are, you know where to find me!!! 🙂
(Well as I pressed publish on this post, this kind of cold shivering came over me, which has come over me a few times as I have been typing this out, and then the next second I actually got goosebumps, which I do not remember getting for years, if not decades! Part of the reason I have been writing this blog has been to overcome my romantic fears. Clearly though I am still at least a little scared, but in a good way! You know, considering the fact that I am so genuinely fearless about so many things that intimidate so many people, I guess it is in a way fitting that I remain somewhat scared of this, that so many people manage to not be scared of!)