Why am I like this?!

I have spoken previously on this blog about the BBC’s Pride and Prejudice, starring Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle.   Well I have recently discovered that it is once again available to watch on BBC iPlayer, so today I settled down to watch it – again. Before today, I have watched it at least 5 times from start to finish, possibly as many as 12 times, but not for a few years.
And rewatching it this time, a few things struck me:

1. Firstly, it is so noticeably old now! It first came out in 1995, which is almost 30 years ago. The acting remains superb.  However the video resolution, which would have been cutting edge in 1995, is now noticeably dull compared to modern standards.

2. Secondly, there are so many details which I don’t remember noticing before. It is almost as if I have never seen it before! Admittedly, it has been approximately a decade, or even longer, almost two, since I last watched it.

3.  With my own increasing age and maturity, I appreciate the story even more. There are certain nuances which were there all along which I simply did not appreciate when I was younger.  One such nuance is just how raucous her younger sisters her, and how unseemly their behaviour often is.

4. I previously wrote on this blog that I struggled to watch the proposal scene, because I am struck so forcefully by second-hand embarrassment. I now find the whole thing cringeworthy, and I have struggled to watch it. Not because it is bad, but rather because it is so good.  I have literally winced through so much of it.

5,  Now the proposal scene is upon me, and I have had to take refuge from it by writing this post! I honestly don’t know why I am like this!  This thing is not real! It does not have to provoke my real emotions! It is just a drama! All I have to do is watch it. And yet it does provoke my real emotions, every single time. This is not the same for any other kind of drama at all. Usually I am more than capable of maintaining an emotional distance. Analysing myself to try to understand why this particular scene affects me so much, this is the answer that occurs to me: the whole thing triggers some tightly packed emotions within me which are so close to the surface. It is so emotionally delicate that it seems to trigger something within me to release those emotions, as if I was the one experiencing them

Well I guess I have had enough of the a break, and now need to grit my teeth through this difficult scene! 😁

Actually, it turns out my fears were premature – the part where I ran away was not actually the proposal scene, but rather an earlier one where Darcy visits Lizzy in her room.