This week from Reddit: The husband and the laundry hamper

So I have just been reading some AITA relationship posts from Reddit.

The particular story that I would like to talk about just now is linked here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12eivy7/aita_for_not_doing_my_husbands_laundry/

Summary of story: The poster, or OP, and her husband both work full time, no kids yet. She works from home, he does not. She has agreed to do his laundry for him, as long as he puts it in the hamper. But he consistently refuses to put the laundry in the hamper and instead just leaves it on the floor. 

On the surface, this might sound like a petty story, but sincerely, this is the kind of thing that would strongly upset me within marriage, to the point where I would at least get my own bedroom so I did not have to engage with his mess. And if it was me this would definitely be enough to stop me doing his laundry!

The wife has asked him repeatedly, and he did manage to get the dirty clothes in the hamper, for a period of around two weeks, and then he just stopped, and resumed putting them on the floor. As I’m writing this I can’t help laughing, but it is also infuriating me.

Here’s the thing, which is probably quite obvious to most people: this issue is not about laundry. This issue is about power within the relationship, and the husband feeling a perhaps irrational need to assert power over his wife by refusing to do what they have both agreed that he will do. By the way, the hamper is literally right next to his bed. But instead of putting the dirty clothes in the hamper, he will just drop them on the floor next to the hamper – then later claim that he could not see the hamper because it was dark at night – and still not put the clothes in the hamper when the light of morning comes. Why I am calling this a power game is because you have a situation where someone is asking you to do something very very straightforward, easy, unthreatening, untaxing, that requires almost no effort, and yet you refuse for no good reason whatsoever, but rather you persist in taking alternative action which this person finds frustrating and has repeatedly asked you to stop doing. There is literally no other reason for someone to act this way other than that they are trying to prove some kind of crazy point.

You know what?  I have not been married, but I have been in similar situations with “power games” before. And you know what?  Without fail every single time I will leave that friendship or would-be relationship or whatever else it might be. This is because these power games will usually occur within the two-year stage of evaluation, and they will tell me all that I could possibly need to know about Mr Could He be the One? (Obviously not!) I simply do not have time for any of this. The truth is that I am ambitious, and sometimes that threatens people, making them come out with similar crazy power games. But then I think that if you are threatened by who I am or who I want to be, then clearly you are not the right husband or friend for me!

But you know what?  While thinking on this issue the following occurred to me:  It is not at all impossible that finally I will have found a man who has thoroughly convinced me about his excellent character. A man who is sound, solid, genuinely in pursuit of Christ etc, working really hard on his character. And everything else is all aligned, and we like one another etc, we get on, and we go ahead to get married. And then after marriage (or while engaged to be married) as excellent and as holy and as spiritually sincere as he might be, he also pulls a move like this! The difference is that I hope that he and I would have established a strong basis of communication, so that I could gently challenge him about his behaviour, and then he would go off and do whatever he needs to do, process whatever he needs to process within himself – and then hopefully we can forget that it ever happened.  The difference then is when you know that you are dealing with someone who is generally excellent, secure within himself, not prone to insecurities or pettiness. Then you can afford to forgive these occasional lapses, while carefully but subtly watching him to see whether it is just a lapse, or the sign of something more serious. And you know what, even if it is something more serious, then this is a sign that I need to pray. After having waited so long, there is no way I’m just going to casually abandon my marriage like that!

Because you know what?  Even with all my efforts, I too am going to be silly and petty at times, and at those times he will have to work through his puzzlement to be gentle with me. And then I too will grin sheepishly and hope he will quickly forget!

You know, I think that that is all I need to say about this subject, I don’t need to go into details of those previous power games I have experienced. Now is the time to put all those frustrating events firmly in the past where they belong, and look forward to the longed-for exciting future with the longed-for man who could actually be my very own Huggie-Wuggie!

A little note to a certain guy: Well yes, I eventually typed out a “little” note to a certain guy right here. But having edited and re-edited it, I realised it was simply too intimate to publish publicly. And yet I still feel the need to refer to it… Hmm, I think that I will think about it, and try to find something that is appropriate and shareable with the world.

I guess I could say this: to my future Huggie-Wuggie, whoever you are, I really want this. Nothing has changed, I want this as much as ever.  However please please do your best to deal with these kinds of crazy insecurities before you and I get together.