Once again I would like to thank the mysterious pray-er, if indeed there is anyone out there praying for me. As I was walking along yesterday (or was it Monday?), I felt an impulse in my heart to graciousness. And I realised the shocking thing that I never have to get angry or respond in anger when people act bad, or deliberately provoke me, I definitely do not have to rant about it on my blog, and I definitely do not have to nurture it in my heart for years, but I can simply let it go, and strive always for kindness and positivity in my heart.
You know what, as these thoughts struck, they seemed so simple, and I thought: “Why have I been struggling with this for so long?!” And it was instantly obvious to me that everyone else must know this already. So why have I simply not grasped it?!
Anyway, by the awesome grace of God, I hope that it is fair to say that I have definitely got an understanding of it now (although it did slip a bit and I found myself meditating on those familiar angry thoughts about people’s poor behaviour just earlier today.)
Is anyone out there actually praying?! If there is, will they ever admit it?! Honestly, it felt as if someone out there, someone who does get it, does understand grace and compassion, has been reading my blog, identifying my areas of weakness and praying for them.
So if indeed there is indeed a mysterious pray-er out there, then once again I am so grateful, and I thank you so much. In a way it is embarrassing to have to admit these huge character deficiencies in my life, especially as I have on this blog made such a big noise about character, and specifically my own excellent character! However, I ultimately find it a positive thing to become aware of a failing, so that I can work on it, and hopefully put it behind me.
I need to ground this habit in my life. Once I have done so, or as I continue to do so, I hope it is fair to say that this blog will represent unfailing kindness and grace towards everyone!
Finally, for the sake of anyone reading this, God is so real! He has been even more patient with me of late than normal, as I have struggled to make real time to spend with Him. I hope that that too would be left in the past as I am currently creating a little prayer sanctuary in my room. A few weeks I spoke about turning an old wardrobe into a prayer booth. Well guess what? I have never used that wardrobe because it just was not quite right. So now I have taken more drastic action, involving lots of duvets and duvet covers! I have a couple of humorous stories from this Monday gone, about struggling home from ASDA on the bus with four brand new, still rolled up duvets and four duvet cover sets, which was a far more challenging feat than it may sound, and then later on that same day carrying a two metre (210cm) metal pole plus two smaller poles home from IKEA – again on the bus. For this second trip I was petrified that the bus driver would not allow me on, and/or that it would create a hazard on the bus. In the event, I simply walked onto the bus, the bus was largely empty, so i was able to safely set all three poles down on the side usually used by wheelchairs or buggies, and then I was praying that no buggy or wheelchair would get on, none did…all in all quite uneventful, thankfully. Honestly I had been worried that I might have to walk home from IKEA – a good hour and a half to two hours away. (I’ve actually walked that journey before, back when I was in school. I had gone to buy some tealights! And I also bought a can opener!!! I can’t remember whether it was all the way home, but it was certainly a fair distance…)
So hopefully after all that effort it will all be worth it.
Honestly, the way I am feeling, I could honestly just sit here, once it is all done, I am tempted to just take a few weeks off work, and just sit here, just pouring out my heart to God. I am so eager to get it all sorted that honestly, I am a little tempted to cut corners. Do I really need to wash the duvet covers before using them for the first time? Does it make a difference that I am not planning to use them as bed coverings?! (I know it does not.) I’m basically using two of the duvets to create curtains across my room, sectioning off an area as a prayer place (palace!) cum office, and hoping that the thickness of the duvets will act as soundproofing so that I can hopefully pray at any time without fear of being heard and/or disturbing anyone else. There are probably more obvious soundproofing fabrics out there, but this was the quickest, simplest, cheapest solution I could think of. And then the extra two, smaller duvets will go directly on the walls to soundproof them too.
Anyway, to go back to the mysterious pray-er, if indeed there is someone out there praying, I thank you so much and I pray that God would also abundantly bless you!!!