Once again, I’m asking myself: “Is this real?!”

Well literally just yesterday, (or actually the day before now) I posted a post here asking whether some feelings that had descended on me were real – originating outside me, or whether they were an expression of some deep loneliness in my heart…  And guess what, today I am in exactly that same position again, only that in this case the feelings are even more intense!

You know I always love a story, so let me then give you the story:
As I posted in my previous blog, today’s “Is this real” feelings started with a deep feeling of depression. Depression is one emotion that I simply do not allow into my life. I am more than happy to be angry and sometimes even wallow in anger. However I aggressively cut out every hint of depression in my life. So that involves first and foremost analysing myself to see exactly why I am feeling depressed. It is usually quite straightforward to identify it. It is because of this, or it is because of that, or there is something hidden lurking within my heart that I can’t quite put my finger on at first, but slowly but surely, the real issue will float to the surface where I can deal with it.

But today I could not identify the source of the feelings at all. (Hmm – can it be a good thing for positive feelings to arise from a negative emotion?  Surely that cannot be a good sign!  The only thing is that it does indicate that I am not making it up because I would never knowingly or unknowingly put myself through depression for any reason whatsoever, least of all “love”!)
And you know what, the thing is that I have just completed something so crucial – if you want to know I have created a prayer pod for myself where I can pray in peace, hopefully without disturbing the neighbours. Basically I removed the one remaining door of an old wardrobe and I hung a curtain there for easy entry. It is not quite finished because while it already has a light, I would like to put a small desk there so I can also use it as an office.  There is already a small wooden box which I am using as a chair. I would also like to add some soundproofing, for privacy, and for being considerate so no-one is forced to listen to my loud prayers and so that I could literally pray all hours. As simple as this may sound, this is an incredible answer to prayers. Not having a proper place to pray has been frustrating me for a year now!  So honestly, I should be on Cloud 9, and ordinarily speaking I would be. I was able to do so much today, I went shopping for curtain wire, then crazily back at home I randomly found an existing length of curtain wire that was actually long enough! I also unsuccessfully looked for pipe insulation to pad some sticking out edges to prevent me from bumping my head. In the event I managed to get round that with some tightly rolled up wads of newspaper and some duct tape (which I had been planning to use, but found in an unexpected place while I was looking for the toolbox!) You know, I first thought of using this wardrobe months ago, and worked to prepare it then. However, it did not seem to work then. In desperation I have been forced to come back to it, and now it seems to work excellently!

I am not exaggerating to say that this is the single biggest thing that my life has needed for a while (other than you of course, Mr Huggie-Wuggie!) So as I say I should be on Cloud 9. I’ve also thought through some exciting plans about the next few weeks and months. Ordinarily speaking, I would be beaming right now. And yet instead, a strange feeling of sadness, that I just have not been able to shake off.
So I have tried to analyse where this sadness may be coming from.  Lord, is it some as yet unrepented of sin?

Something that always works – always! – to allay feelings of depression for me is this: praising God.  So I took some time and I praised God, and at the end I was feeling quite better, but still… As I am writing this, I can barely trace the way my mind made the connection. I imagined having a conversation with the guy in question, and even in the course of imagining this conversation, I actually, unexpectedly cried. And it was then that I realised that that was where these feelings were coming from!

So once again, I don’t know whether these feelings are “real” or whether all of this is just an expression of loneliness. What I do know is that I have technically been lonely for years, including romantically lonely, and yet I have never had this kind of emotional reaction before, where I am asking myself whether it is me or whether it is real. I am usually so good at identifying my own feelings. Additionally, this is definitely not a crush, because I definitely know how that feels.

Honestly, it feels as if I am starting to fall for this man emotionally, as if that is what these feelings are leading me towards. You know what, I am asking myself “Is this man sitting there praying?”  Because I can’t help noting that not too long ago I wrote a post basically saying that I don’t believe in falling in love, but rather I believe in carefully choosing one another first, and then consciously working towards emotional closeness. So I’m thinking: if someone out there read that idea, and disliked it, perhaps that someone would prefer it if I fell crazily for him, and is praying towards that end?!  If that is you, then I think that your prayers are working!  I know that my approach to relationships, of not falling in love, but rather walking consciously into a relationship, is sensible, and is wise, but I can also understand if someone would prefer a woman who is emotionally crazy about him, to the point of crying while thinking through an imaginary conversation with him.  I mean, we all dream of someone falling passionately in love with us – I dream of this no less than anyone else does! The only difference in my approach is that I would work towards emotional closeness and pray for feelings after we have had relevant conversations!
But you know what, if he thoroughly dislikes my idea, and he prefers it this way then  – shrug! I am open to this way too!

One thing is this: if I am right about my suspicions, then the issue with the guy in question is that he and I as individuals both know our own mind, and we are not afraid to express what we think! So there is the question of what to do when there is a clash of opinions, when I think XYZ is a good idea, but he prefers ABC. You know what? If he disagrees with me and he prays and God is happy to ratify his way then that is good enough for me, even if I believe that my way would have equally worked too.

By the way, this is something I have noticed: the closer that someone is to God, the more sensitive they are to prayers.  So if I pray something to God that is in line with God’s will and His character regarding my husband, (actually, I prefer to think in terms of God’s character rather than His will, because I believe His character is His will), then God’s Spirit will start working to make that happen.  If my husband is in tune with God, then he my husband will be able to pick up on these things more quickly. And it works if my husband is praying for me too, as long as I also maintain deep intimacy with God.  So it could be that this man, if indeed he is praying, prayed these prayers only a matter of hours ago, and I am already feeling them!
Now crucially the thing is that these things are prayers!  So they go via God, and God can either veto these things, in which case they would never get to me, or He can empower them.  So I can imagine someone might pray: “Lord, if the idea of a relationship between Tosin and me is in line with Your will, if we would be well-matched, then please let her start catching feelings for me!” Which I think is a perfectly legitimate prayer to pray, if someone is indeed praying along these lines. So I then expect that the only reason these feelings are falling upon me is because God is essentially giving His approval!

This is yet another reason to marry someone who is sincerely deep with God!  Conversely, if you pray for someone whose spirit is not truly attuned with God, then my experience is that you could pray and pray and pray and pray without seeming to make the slightest headway. What is pertinent here is not the relationship or the possible relationship between you and the person in question, but rather two things:
1. Whether or not what you are praying is in line with the character of God and
2. Whether or not the person you are praying for is in tune with God

So ultimately what I am asking is this: Dear Mr…”You-know-who-you-are” are you praying for this?!  Or if you are not explicitly praying for it yourself, are you feeling it too?!

So a further question I have for you is this: if by any chance whatsoever this is real, and it comes from outside me, and you are reading  this, would you please get in touch with me?! As you know, I am more than capable of getting in touch with you, but as you also know I am always wary of being too forward! If I have not made it sufficiently clear, then yes I do want this! And you need to know that I have all the time in the world for you – I mean that! Regardless of a relationship or not! (Crying again!)

You know, I have written not too long ago about “Yes and No” people and how I have time for a very small group of “Yes” people, but not for “No” people, which is essentially everyone else. I need to write a specific post clarifying this. But long story short, I actually, naturally, have or make  time for everyone! I have such a big heart for community, so in ideal circumstances, I would happily invest big time into literally everyone, happily running around from one coffee meet-up to another, to a party, to a get together to a church event. What I don’t have time for, and what has stopped me living this kind of lifestyle which is my natural inclination, is people’s poor character where the insecurities that they have never dealt with attack me. That is the only thing that limits my interaction to a very small number of people. But at heart I long to create deep and meaningful interactions with as many people as possible. Even within that deep community mindedness though, the man who would be my husband would have a special, unassailable place!

What i am telling you right now, Mr “Someone” is that regardless of relationship I recently realised that you are a Yes person! Furthermore, I have always enjoyed the intellectual stimulation of discussing with you, which frankly I am lacking with anyone else just now!  And that is why I would be inclined to invest even more time into the interaction with you even than other “Yes” people, because I really value the opportunity to get into deep conversations, and as you might have observed, I am so out of practice with that!
Actually my big fear is that I would take up too much of your time, which is why I have been wary of reaching out…

After saying all this, there is another possibility, I guess, that these feelings might have originated with our enemy the devil.  But the devil is all darkness. He tends to work in my experience by appealing to our base natures…And he is always working in rebellion against God, trying to ensnare us to do what is manifestly wrong, and evil…It is never subtle, and it is always overtly sinful, and selfish…