Now what was that profound thing that I wanted to write?!

Well yesterday (Saturday, technically now two days ago) as I was lying in my bed there was some powerful stuff that I really wanted to write. It was burning in my heart so much I was tempted to just jump online immediately and write it out. However Saturday is my shopping day, and firstly I am trying to be consistent with my routine and secondly I was also mindful that the days are getting darker much earlier now, so I wanted to go shopping as early as possible to get back while it was still light. So I did that instead. Since then I have forgotten what exactly it was that I wanted to write. However it was burning in my heart so much I am sure that I will remember it again soon. I do remember that it was kinda going to involve an appeal to Mr Huggie-Wuggie, but other than that, I have forgotten!

However as part of that same routine, I am also trying to be disciplined about writing at least one Huggie-Wuggie post a week over the course of the weekend. I should have done that but I prioritised my work instead, until now…

Instead of the post I was thinking about, I will offer these quick thoughts instead:
You know it occurred to me recently, sadly, that community is something that I crave for so deeply, and yet, without being able to truly understand it until now, it has been one of the things that I have sacrificed for my faith. Because there have been a few churches which have offered the prospect of a great social life, and honestly, it has been tempting to stay just for that. Because candidly community life is a very important aspect of church life. Unfortunately in these churches the theology would often have been off, and church is such a big part of Christian life, that if the theology in the church is off, that skews my entire grounding in God. So time after time I have had to wrench myself away. In fact of late I have been sitting at home and truly yearning for community, but lacking it…

That said, I did actually go to Church today – and it was good! The teaching was sound, talking about the need to live for Christ and holiness and not chase the things of the world. That is the kind of solid teaching I grew up with, but it is rare in our days, and I was really grateful. I was vaguely wondering whether I could join that church. My only reservation is that it is on the small side, and sincerely, I was hoping to find a church with a stronger social life.  I can be a bit lazy about dragging myself out of my house, especially when it is cold, and and honestly if I could find a big enough church with a big enough social life it would save me having to go out and get to know yet another group of people. Sigh!
I have previously said that I am not setting foot in a church without the visible, unarguable presence of supernatural signs and miracles.  Well I did not see that. Also, I don’t know whether I am just more guarded these days, but, while everyone seemed friendly, my soul just did not seem to gel with the whole thing.  That said, I do plan to go back next week…

Ah yes, thank You Lord! As I hoped, the mere act of sitting here writing has jogged my memory so that I finally remember what it was that I was thinking about yesterday. It was about friendship… I was thinking to myself “You know, thinking about romance and love is always so confusing for me. It trips me up all the time. However if I were to think of my marriage as a friendship, I would just find it a lot more straightforward. And if I were to consider my husband first and foremost as a friend, all those complex questions about “love” would just seem to vanish. And I was also wondering what would happen if he and I considered each date as a friendship date, with a very conscious emphasis on friendship and finding out about one another rather than romance or being lovers… And yet there is a very good reason why this thinking is just not natural for me. I was reading somewhere that spouses should be “friends first and lovers second” but to be candid, for me, what is compelling me into marriage is erm…you know! Sex is the only thing that absolutely necessitates marriage. I could find a way of getting friendship elsewhere, perhaps even getting deep emotional needs met. So I do not “need” a husband for any other need except this one. So because this is the most compelling reason why I need a husband, I tend to evaluate potential husbands mostly on this metric, of sexual attractiveness, assuming deep, consistent, relentless Christian character as a given. To move my focus off that and to place it on friendship is not natural for me. That said, if someone asked me to be his exclusive best friend for the rest of our lives which is another way of expressing the concept of marriage, that would be such an easy decision for me and demystifies the complexities of marriage.  I think it would be more natural for people to consider their spouses as friends first and foremost if they have a lower sex drive so that they don’t overly fixate on the sexual aspects of the marriage when choosing their mate.

Oh yes, there was also more. If I am honest, there has been a crushing sadness in my soul. and I sincerely cannot work out why. If I am to be even more honest, there have been all manner of unexciting things happening in my mind to the extent that I barely know who I am anymore. However the rest of it, while not pleasant, I understand, and I can identify reasons for these uncomfortable emotions. But this sadness is different, as I just cannot identify what is causing it. Thankfully I am quite strong at identifying my own emotions. I can distinguish between sadness, anger and depression and other negative emotions and this one is definitely sadness.

I like to identify what is going on in my heart so that I can deal with it before it deals with me.
Here is the thing: by God’s grace all is going well.  I have no reason for this sadness. And yet it has been so persistent, and I simply cannot identify the cause.  Sadness is such an unusual emotion for me. I am militant about protecting my mental health and I routine invest a lot of time into praising God which means that I genuinely bounce around with genuine joy all the time. And to not be able to identify the source of my own sadness, or other negative feeling is unheard of in my current life.
So I’ve kinda come to a surprising conclusion, namely, I suspect that I might be falling in love! Now this would be surprising even to me, and all the more so because I do not believe in falling in love! I am not saying that I don’t believe it exists, rather that I don’t believe in making such an important choice in life based on something as temperamental as “feelings”. Additionally I of course understand that this is deeply counterintuitive because falling in love is usually considered a positive thing conveying positive emotions…The sadness would be not from the possibility of rejection, but rather not being able to communicate clearly, the fear of missed signals. I might be wrong about the source of this weird, unidentifiable pain but I am sure that it is internal rather than external…  If I am identifying acute pain and it is indeed an expression of deep unmet emotional needs  – is that some kind of sign that this could be from God? Or is it literally just  an expression of the loneliness and yearning in my heart almost taking tangible form?!

So much to think about!
Anyway, hopefully until next week 🙂