Mr Malcolm’s List versus Miss Tosin’s List (SPOILERS)

(Or why I have a list, and you definitely need one too!)
Well I have recently taken myself to the cinema and watched Mr Malcolm’s List, and it was a very pleasant way to spend two hours!  Beautifully shot, great costumes, good acting – it was lovely!   I have added two videos above because there was a short film created earlier as an unofficial trailer or “ouverture” for the longer version (top video), and then there is also the official trailer (lower video).
Watching the videos above it is clear that there is a racially diverse cast, and most obviously an African man starring as the hero. You know what? Someone else said this as a comment to this film but I did not appreciate it until I myself watched the film:  I did not realise how much it would affect me to see someone who looked like me acting the hero in one of these historical romances that I read and watch so much. I’ve never felt unable to identify with the protagonists, even when they are acted by Caucasian Europeans. However it really did light me up inside to see someone from my own culture play a cultured, educated, articulate, posh, rich, lavishly-dressed aristocrat with a palatial home, even though it is all completely made-up!  After all, Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility etc etc are equally made-up! The main actor acting “Mr Malcolm” is from my own tribe, and his character even said a line in my own language, Yoruba, even though I’m guessing that that was not in the original book, ha ha ha! Reading other comments, people inevitably made reference to the fact that this is “alt-history”, because even though African aristocrats apparently existed in the UK, they would have been rare, and it would have been implausible to find such a high density of all those people of different ethnicities in such high positions.  Someone else even said that (after Bridgerton) all these racially diverse casts are now “getting boring”. Yeah, after two whole seasons of Bridgerton!  I can say that as someone from an ethnic minority who has never previously seen someone from my culture represented as the main love interest in these cerebral historical romances, I do not find it remotely “boring”, I never will, and I hope that these diverse castings are here to stay. Which is not to say that there is no place for the dramatisations with all/mainly Caucasian casts.  Because I love them too!

Furthermore, it will not be a spoiler to anyone who has watched the trailers above that Mr Malcolm has a list which he uses to evaluate potential wives. And sorry, this is going to be a spoiler (but not much, I imagine) – the conclusion is that it is ill-advised to depend on a list and that a person should just be open-minded to falling in love with whoever, because love does not work to a certain schedule. Etc etc.  As I say, this is a spoiler and yet not a spoiler, because this is the same story we hear time and again, eg from Friends when Rachel was aghast at the fact that Ross had a list, and everyone always gives the same message. And yet, here I am going to argue differently.

You know what?  I unapologetically have a list, which I unapologetically flaunt on this blog. And watching the film made me realise that there are two kinds of list.
Firstly there is the kind of list which seems to focus on superficial things:  such as how tall the person should be, what ethnicity they are, what colour/texture hair, dress sense, how educated, what career, how much money they make. I would be the first person to agree that to depend on such a list as that would be ill-advised.  That said, obviously I know that someone can have preferences, and as a person you might be aware of what you tend to gravitate towards, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Ironically, this is the kind of list that people tend to make, if popular culture is to be believed. If I remember clearly, this is what Ross’s list seemed to look like, and to a certain extent Mr Malcolm’s too.

This is why I believe my own list is different. Because it focuses on character. The items I have itemised on my list are what I believe are necessities for basic character (for me) to be able to live with someone. This does not mean that I will automatically fall in love or otherwise choose to marry someone who ticks off all the items on my list. These are just the basics that make someone available to be considered.

The reason why I would suggest that you need a character list and/or to evaluate someone is this:  because character truly is a necessity to be able to live with someone. If this is your spouse, you need to be able to trust them, with your life if need be, and if they demonstrate poor character, then you will not be able to do that.
We tend to take character for granted but it tends to show itself in the day to day running of life. If you read accounts of daily life, for instance Reddit’s “Am I the A**hole” (AITA), or accounts of relationships gone wrong, also readily available to be found on Reddit, then most of the issues or problem predictably boil down to character. Off the top of my head these are some of the issues that typically crop up to cause problems in relationships, and how they can be attributed to character.

(Character means acting with integrity, doing the right thing because it is the right thing, treating people in a way that respects their human dignity and autonomy.)

• Financial issues: one spouse/parent/sibling stealing money from another family member or one person trying to coerce another to give them their money.
  This is a character issue because good character knows not to steal from other people or otherwise take financial advantage of them.
• This scenario seems to crop up on Reddit AITA all the time: one family member and their spouse are currently going through a hard time, and are both unemployed. So another family member takes them in to live with them. usually for free. However, Mr Having-a-Hard-Time and his spouse take advantage of their long-suffering family member and eat all their food, live loudly, noisily and inconsiderately, disrespecting their boundaries while making no efforts to contribute to the chores or even clean up after themselves, and also making no efforts to find employment and get their own place. Bonus points if Mr Having-a-Hard-Time’s spouse is pregnant or has a young baby/young children.
  This is a character issue because good character teaches you to take responsibility for yourself, rather than sponging off relatives, and apply yourself to get a job. If people are putting themselves out by giving you a place to stay then at the very least you should at least pull your weight around the place while trying to find a job, and you should carefully respect their boundaries too.
• Husband makes no effort to look after the children or pull his weight with the house chores and acts like it is the wife’s sole responsibility.  She is getting resentful as she invariably works full-time, either out of the home or as a stay at home mother. Bonus points if hubby himself is unemployed and making no real efforts to find work. This is a character issue because good character teaches you to be considerate of others.  If your wife is out working all day then obviously she will not have the energy to come home and start cooking and looking after the kids, so if you are at home all day doing nothing then the least you could do is contribute to make the running of the household easier. This is the kind of thing that you would think that no-one should have to point out, and yet time after time after time, men apparently don’t get it, or make flimsy excuses.  Other times the man will be employed, and he will think that because he brings in BIG MONEY into the house then he can come home and take a break but his wife needs to keep working because she earns less or earns nothing at all; “All she does all day is look after the home and children!”
• Physical abuse:  If one spouse physically abuses the other then this is also a character thing, as obviously it is wrong for someone to beat their spouse.

There are so many other things, but these are some of the things that you pre-empt by being careful to watch for character before marrying someone. If a potential spouse has a large character failing in any of these areas or so many others, then that definitely has the potential to make your life with them sheer hell.

SPOILER: OK, this is quite a big spoiler:  In the film above, when using his list, Mr Malcolm only needs to see one instance of a woman displaying one of his desired characteristics to tick it off his list.  And yet I plan to evaluate someone for two years. That is because I know that it is all too easy for someone to try to win your good opinion by pretending. So of course someone is going to pretend to be kind and gracious and sweet and charming and…unracist when you first meet, when they are trying to convince you that they would make a great spouse.  However, when you sit and evaluate them for two full years, then a clearer, more accurate picture of their true personality and character emerges. But you know what? This is just as true of me as it is of anyone I would be evaluating. Over the course of two years my own weaknesses and areas of stubbornness become all too obvious to someone  evaluating me. With me, I am genuinely working to identify my weaknesses and work on them and iron them out.  I know that my future husband is not going to be perfect, as I am not. Yet I am looking for someone who is also working hard on himself too, and who is committed to keep working hard on himself. Additionally, it has become so clear to me over the years that the more ambitious you are, then the stronger character you need to demand from yourself and everyone around you – especially your spouse.

Once great character has been established, then you can open up to the possibility of romance and the magic of falling in love.