Late night ponderings: male colleagues, tube strangers and the friendzone

Oh Huggie-Wuggie, how I’ve missed you!

Firstly, apologies in advance if this post is a whole heap of incoherent nonsense – I’ll have to edit it/delete it altogether later!

So today/yesterday as I write this I got into 2 major conversations with men. The first demonstrated to me that my reasoning faculty, which I have to admit that I am extremely proud of, and which I like to keep fresh and sharp – is currently extremely dull. So I was discussing with a work colleague about that film “Joker”, which I hesitate to admit here that I did pay to see in the cinema. I don’t recommend it at all because it is so violent. And that was the very simple argument from my side: while I concede that what I saw was in many ways profound and well-made, ultimately I walked out because it was too violent. There really was no argument to be made about this. No matter how good it may have otherwise been, it was simply too violent for my tastes. This is just a simple expression of opinion: it did not need to become an argument! So why then did I allow my colleague to draw me into this argument, where he started postulating the theories of Karl Jung, that people are afraid to admit to the darkness within them – and then I retaliated (and it really was retaliation!) by saying well “Actually I’m more into Jesus!” I thought to myself: “Well if you can bring up what you believe in terms of philosophy then so will I!” And I said that actually “Jesus saysand the Bible says that we all have darkness within us, and I am definitely not afraid to admit to my darkness!” And then the conversation moved on and we argued at length about homelessness in London – seriously?! Specifically the question was if someone would notice if a homeless person had passed away, and how long it would take for someone to notice. Seriously? Considering that this man and I clearly share similar similar views on homelessness – talk about a completely meaningless and useless argument. Why use this as a point to validate the legitimacy of a movie?! What a big fat lot of nothingness that achieved! And you know why I let myself be drawn into that, why my mind was just not in the right place to nip the thing in the bud right from the outset? Because I am so tired! Specifically my poor mind is so tired! I have been working all the hours under the sun, and it is only by the grace of God that I have been able to put up some semblance of performing at work, even apparently excelling (?!) Ironically my tiredness contributed both to the spontaneous decision to go to the cinema that day, (where unfortunately only Joker was showing within an appropriate timeframe which is the only reason I actually watched that particular movie; I would much have preferred Maleficent although that may well have had its own negativity), and then to the subsequent decision to walk out of the movie because I knew that my mind was just not in a strong enough place to process that kind of violence. And then after I watched the film, and started complaining, people said “Well what did you expect?!” Nothing, because I don’t have a TV, and I had not seen a single trailer (although I had read quite a few negative reports online talking about the violence…and the fact that many people had walked out!) So anyway, I just shared that story to illustrate that my intellectual reasoning and judgement are not up to par, and if you want to draw any conclusions about my male colleagues and the type of deep conversations I get into with them, then that is completely your prerogative! (Yeah at one point the argument definitely included two male colleagues both arguing for the beauty of Joker against my poor intellectually defenseless and tired self!) Actually, there is a bigger story in this – because I have not been confiding in this blog, I have been pouring out my heart to my poor male colleagues instead – a few female ones too, but mostly male! And now various male colleagues walk about knowing more about my life than they strictly need to know; namely my endless yearning for Huggie-Wuggie, my equally endless criteria for Huggie-Wuggie, and my matchlessly endless church woes!

Well the second key discussion of the day involved a man on the tube who on reflection was probably chatting me up – I’m trying to remind myself why exactly I am sharing this story again – oh yes, that was it!
So there I was just quietly trying to make my way home after yet another long and tiring day at work. And I had kinda felt this man’s eyes on me, or that his interest was concentrated on me. But you know what, I was tired, and while I could ignore it, then I ignored it. And then he started speaking to me. Firstly he praised me for the top quality perfume that I was wearing. And knowing that I was wearing not a squirt of any kind of perfume whatsoever, I politely – declined? shut him down – demurred – or gently disagreed with him – “I don’t think you are getting that from me – perhaps it was the person sitting here before me”. But no. He emphatically shook his head. As he seemed to go on about this, I eventually explained that I was not wearing any perfume, actually, just some essential oils. Ah then, that must be it, and that was why it was such good quality.

And then he told me that I had perfect posture – was I a therapist? Or a dancer? Or… ( something else which I have now forgotten?)” And I was asking myself “Do I really have perfect, or even excellent posture, knowing that I slouch all day, and I am constantly having to remind myself to sit correctly…” (But I have to admit that I did consciously try to maintain that exact same position for the rest of the shared tube trip, so he would not rescind his good opinion of my posture!) And then he started talking a bit about modern life about how spoiled modern children are these days, and I politely agreed and added my own contribution, until finally my stop came and I could gratefully escape.

And then when I got home, I gave myself a little sniff, and I could not smell anything, essential oils or otherwise. And I concluded that while he had seemed completely sincere, he may well just have been trying to chat me up. And here is the thing: I did not look particularly attractive. Maybe not unattractive but nothing compelling, and deliberately so. And I thought to myself that perhaps that in itself was the attraction: that he may have thought me less likely to be in a relationship, and from that more open to his advances. And I thought about all the pick-up stuff that has been in the news, that is, how some men pay lots of money to learn how to pick up women. And I thought to myself that he may have been someone who had employed these services, and he may simply have been using me to harmlessly practise on. And I thought to myself that if that was true ,in a way it’s a shame that men have to do that, to chat up complete strangers. And I thought, if you are a man looking for a relationship with a woman, does it not make more sense to build up a strong friendship with women that you see and encounter every day (eg at work!) and to work to develop that into something more, rather than to make yourself vulnerable to complete strangers on the tube?! (So now I am confidently looking forward to finally reading about myself in the Metro’s “Rush Hour Crush”: “Stunning Black woman wearing black jacket, green scarf and essential oils on the Northern Line…”!)

Which finally leads me onto what this post was going to be about: the superiority of the friendzone. I’ve been thinking a lot about eventually finding a husband from within the friendzone. And I’ve been thinking about that, and wondering what it would be like to marry someone who was first and foremost a strong friend, rather than someone to whom I was deeply, irresistibly attracted. But the one obstacle I keep tripping over is that issue of sexual attraction. And I keep trying to exercise my mind and imagination: is it possible for me to imagine marrying a male best friend, and what would that look like where I am utterly crazy about him in friendship terms, but not necessarily in terms of sexual attraction, where I’ve always thought that deep sexual attraction was a non-negotiable pillar of my marriage?
You know, there is only so far that my imagination can go!

Anyway, I’m going to have to leave those ponderings for another time, because I am that tired, I’m going to go to bed!

Last question of the post though – who, seriously, sets off fireworks at 1am on a Sunday morning?! Seriously!!!