How to say “No” – yet further thoughts

I was just reading through an external article about being assertive. Actually, I just read the first part of the post. Assertiveness is one of those concepts that I find triggering, but positively so – in that I like the response it creates in me, in fact I like it a little too much! The idea of assertiveness predictably whips up my ego every single time and makes me want to start showing the world what I am made of. So I want to calm myself down and humble my spirit before I read the whole post, lest I jump too readily into its suggestions.
Anyway, that reminded me that I had wanted to write a further post about how to say “No”. And the extra things I will add are these (I hope I did not already add these to my existing posts on this subject, I will check later) –
Knowing yourself and finding an appropriate mode to say “No”.  I will explain what I mean.

I sometimes struggle to say “No” on the phone, for one main reason:  I want to maintain politeness at all times, and I don’t want to come across as being rude. (It occurs to me as I type this that I could practise saying “No” on the phone firmly but gently.)  So, many times, I will actually go ahead and say “No”, but the person on the other end will keep trying to argue me around, or cajole me, and I will then find myself agreeing… I think some people managed to work out this weakness, and unapologetically took advantage of it.

After this happened a few times with one particular pastor, I decided to stop taking his calls altogether. But then I realised how untenable that was, to refuse to take the pastor’s calls while remaining in his church…so I left the church. I had categorically said “No” in writing, but he apparently decided to try to persuade me over the phone, which is not an attitude I like. I dislike that idea of taking advantage of the fact that I was trying to remain amiable.  He may not have been doing it knowingly, however, it was so much a part of him to coerce people beyond their natural boundaries that it was inevitable that he would act this way in individual conversations, knowingly or not.

[Something else to practise – when the conversation turns that way, just say absolutely nothing, other than “No”. Don’t make sentences, don’t explain, just wait for pauses then say “No”. If you say “No” three times and they are still arguing, just hang up.]
What I am saying in this post is I am suggesting that you could work out the ways in which you find it harder to say no, and avoid those means of communication, and also work out the ways in which you find it easier to say no, and stick to those. While I struggle to maintain a “No” over the phone, I find it the easiest thing to say “No” in writing.  So after escaping from the pressurising pastor and also from someone else who tried to coerce me over the phone, I have come up with a simple idea:  If someone has shown that they cannot respect my boundaries, or “they do not understand my boundaries” (they are my boundaries, you do not have to understand them, just respect them!) – then I will block off the possibility of phone conversations with them, so I never again find myself in a situation where they take advantage of my desire to remain polite.  So speaking to people on telephone calls is reserved for people who have shown that they can respect boundaries.

Feelings?  It has happened to me just once that I can remember that someone tried to use her “feelings” to change my action, and this happened to be over the course of a phone call. I had categorically said “No” about something. And then she started saying how sad and upset she felt at my decision. Under those circumstances, that was emotional blackmail. I was so cross at her attempt to control me that I almost lost my temper altogether, and the phone call, and subsequently the interaction with that person, ended by my hanging up the phone while she was still trying to angrily argue. (She did call one further time, once again she proved that she did not know how to respect my boundaries, and after that time I just blocked her calls altogether. But I should really have blocked her calls after that first phone call.) You know, there are undoubtedly times when it is appropriate and necessary to take account of someone’s feelings when making a decision. That is if the situation or decision unduly impacted them or was inconsiderate towards them. Neither of those things was true in that particular situation, that person was just making a laughably transparent attempt to control me. This is all the more reason why people get relegated to freebie “no-call” friendships: the more of their poor character that people show to me, the less I want to interact with them “live”, that is, in a way where their potential response could touch me. Rather interacting with such people, if at all, then takes place in “asynchronous” communication, that is, communication which by its nature does not require an immediate response in the moment but can be indefinitely one-sided, such as sending emails.  This is also why I think it is problematic when people make blanket statements such as “[in an argument] you have a right to your feelings!” (and people you interact with should always respect your feelings.) Let’s be candid, that is not always true. If you are asserting feelings as a way of manipulating or controlling me, then no, I am not compelled to take account of those feelings. And that situation did not warrant those feelings whatsoever. It was all over an incredibly petty issue, so in truth it was essentially a power struggle that was wrapped in almost the most petty issue imaginable, and this also made me immensely unimpressed. The real reason she was upset was because she thought she had established some control over me, and I had subtly told her and her controlling ways to take a hike.  But I did not address that because I never do. Rather I simply walked away. If I am going to interact on a deep level with someone, then I need people who can already apply some rigorous self-analysis, or tell themselves the truth about their actions. That is a pre-requisite for reciprocal friendship, and if you cannot do that, then I will have no choice but to kindly release you from my friendship efforts.