Couples who need to get back together: Finnish PM Sanna Marin and her handsome husband Markus Raikkonen

(Please note, I have not watched the video above, I have linked it as it was the first video I could find with both Sanna Marin and her husband featured on the thumbnail.)

Read on if you wish to have (yet more) relationship advice dispensed by the Most Single Woman on Earth!

So I read the headline announcing the breakup of this marriage, and my heart just sank. I initially chose to ignore the article itself, but then I eventually read it. And I was screaming within myself:  “But why?!!!”

In her instagram post Sanna Marin has described the two of them as”still best friends.” You know that when  people break up, there is likely to be a certain amount of “spin”, if for nothing else but to protect their child.  So for all we know her words could mask huge screaming matches or blazing rows. If there were indeed endless screaming rows, then yeah, we could accept that perhaps the relationship does need to break apart. However, if her words contain even 50% of truth, if they truly still are “best friends”, then why on earth do they need to break up?  That sounds to me like a very viable marriage that they “simply” need to invest time and effort into to rescue. (I put “simply” into inverted commas because I know that it is usually not simple at all.)

Apologies by the way if this post is everywhere! Like everyone else, I heard the news today, lots of thoughts bombarded my mind, and I decided to write a post, and I have jumped straight onto it, and as I am actually writing my thoughts keep interrupting one another!

About Sanna Marin:
Part of the reason why I have such strongly held views is because of the prior impression that Sanna Marin made on me. In short, I have been extremely impressed by her!
I remember when she first became PM of Finland. I was so impressed that someone so young, so beautiful, so full of life and so female could become a whole Prime Minister of a country! (I’ve just seen that her daughter has taken her surname rather than her husband’s. If that is not standard Finnish practice then wow, I find that immensely radical!) And to think that she had a husband and young daughter too! I was completely blown away. What an amazing achievement! So I already held her in a measure of admiration, and I was rooting for her success. I was disappointed for her sake when her party narrowly lost the recent election, meaning that she is no longer Prime Minister, and now that her marriage has apparently broken up, that just makes me a little sad.
For the first time today I consciously looked at a photo of her husband, and he is extremely attractive too! There was one particular photo where it looks as if they know one another so well, and they are truly best friends, and they look utterly normal, like any other couple, and I was asking myself “How could a couple like this split up?!”  And in their wedding photos she looks so happy, and he looks frankly besotted!

To be clear, I know practically nothing about her life, and about her marriage, other than these few things, plus of course that infamous video of her partying (more on that later). How on earth could I possibly have inside information?!
So bearing in mind that I come as someone who knows nothing really about the situation, from my own perspective, I would love it if she and Mr Raikkonen managed to resolve their differences and get back together!

Here to my mind are valid reasons why couples should not get back together, alongside the screaming rows I have already mentioned above:
– abuse: physical, emotional, financial etc
– if either of the spouses have moved on into a relationship with someone else. This is not about having an affair, which I don’t believe needs to spell the end of a relationship. This is about actively choosing someone else and actively moving on with them
– questioning your sexuality

If none of the things above were present in the marriage, and if there was any significant truth in what Sanna Marin wrote about the two of them remaining best friends, then I would say that there is lots of hope for the marriage, if they are both willing to work on it.

My diagnosis:
You know, I have spoken a lot on this blog about how I am ambitious, and how I am conscious that men often struggle to accept the achievements of an ambitious wife. However, I have a strong gut feeling that that is not the issue in this case. After all, it would likely have been due to her husband’s strong and unwavering support that she made it to be leader of her party and thereby the PM in the first place.
A marital breakup can be complex, with lots of different factors, and here are a few of the different factors I suspect are present in this case:

– Just plain stress:
While I greatly admire Sanna Marin’s achievement on becoming PM, there is no doubt in my mind that this would have been extremely stressful for any couple to navigate.  Add to that the challenges of having a young child, and it becomes nothing less than explosive.
This cannot have been an easy life by any means. And because SM has been so young, she is essentially sailing in uncharted waters. There is almost no-one who has been in the position that she has been in, who can give advice about how to combine the challenges of running a country with the stresses of motherhood to a young child.
I am thinking that it would be so wise if there was a sort of mentorship scheme established by lady politicians to mentor or support ambitious young female politicians. In fact I bet there is one already, but I also bet that it does not go very deep. I’m thinking that women who have been Prime Ministers and Presidents need to perhaps meet up, even on Zoom, once in a while, to support the future Sanna Marins of this world. I’m thinking people such as Angela Merkel, Theresa May, Nicola Sturgeon, Ursula von Leyen, and then Jacinda Ardern and Sanna Marin too.
Realistically, because of their busy schedules, they are not all going to be able to meet up all at the same time. However those that can make it, should do it, if at all possible. And then there needs to be deeper one-on-one mentoring from one or two people. Women who are in that high level of leadership and responsibility need people who have gone before if nothing else to just vent to, as well as to ask advice or get pre-emptive advice about life.

General Loneliness: Alongside targeted support from similarly high up female politicians, It honestly would not surprise me if SM does not have lots of truly close friends that she can talk to, or open up to, because increasingly no-one does!

And all of these things go for her husband just as much! I wonder if there is any kind of support network for husbands of successful female politicians (Mr. Angela Merkel Prof Joachim Sauer – perhaps you need to step up here – when you are not busy being a  Professor, and high-ranking professional in your own right, of course!!! (Ha ha, I’ve just seen a headline saying: “Don’t call him Mr Merkel”, after I literally just did that!!!)) If things have been stressful for Sanna Marin, they would have been just as stressful for her husband, his waters would equally have been uncharted. And I bet that he equally does not have lots of friends surrounding him.

That video:
So let us talk about that video: It might not be immediately clear to everyone, but to me, I interpret her actions in that video as Sanna Marin acting out, almost as a cry for help as a way of responding to the stresses of her role. Not that there was anything  very wrong per se in her actions in that video, but I bet that they were deeply uncharacteristic. (Actually, I forgot that she was captured in an embrace with another man, which was unwise, certainly, but I would not necessarily say marriage-ending.)
If you think about it, for someone to get to where she has gotten to, at such a young age, she would probably have needed to be extremely focused, likely extremely studious, highly responsible, and known for being responsible. I actually think that that video showed a relatable side to her, but I bet that that is not the person she has been, and not the image she has been cultivating, certainly not what propelled her into leadership of her party and the country.

Breakdown of community:
Ultimately, I blame the breakdown of community and the particular stresses of modern life for the breakdown of this marriage. I suspect that even if the marriage is viable, as they look into their circumstances, they just do not see any plausible means of investing the necessary time into their marriage, or any way of garnering the right support.
In an ideal scenario, this couple would be surrounded by a super-strong, rock-solid support network, of family and friends.  These people would be on hand to just provide moral support as needed, give them a chance to spend time together as a couple by taking their daughter off their hands regularly, also give them an escape from one another as would be necessary sometimes too! Also give them necessary advice, surround them with endless assurances and positivity, loudly support everything that they do, defend or laugh off all the mistakes like the video, be strongly propelling them forwards, be a super-strong foundation for their marriage, and for her premiership.

Because of the inherent stresses of the job, it does not need to be said that that would automatically put pressure on the marriage itself. Therefore the marriage would need lots of TLC, lots of time together, lots of talking, lots of lovey-doveying. You know, there can be a danger with relationships, that the love rituals can get a little performative. However, all the same you need to do all these performative things, for the sake of your spouse, and for the sake of a watching public. Your spouse and the public need to see you go to swanky restaurants together, and then watch you come out tightly clutching hands, and fending off the paparazzi, ideally wearing big dark shades. Your spouse and the public need to see you go on various other types of date nights, and need to see you generally hold hands as much as possible. Your spouse and the public need to know that the two of you are going on a three week holiday to an “undisclosed location” and leaving your daughter with her Grandparents (who also need to maintain a tightly united front, not just within each couple, but between the two couples, assuming that they have that parental set up available.)  And then obviously there is lots that the public does not need to see. If it needs to be said, then as a female Prime Minister or other high-ranking official I think that you need to make even more effort to dress up for the exclusive benefit of your husband, so that the poor man does not feel as if he is missing out, and thereby secretly wish that he had a less successful wife. And all this is perhaps all the more true after that notorious video came out.

It is only as I am typing this that I am realising that all those celebrity couples who publicly go on date nights and have lots of photos taken of them laughing together – they know what they are doing! Like you know when Meghan Markle and Prince Harry recently went to that ball game, and she was publicly adjusting his hair?  And as big a fan of Meghan Markle as I am, even I was thinking to myself: “Oh please!” I mean, did she really need to be adjusting his hair, right then?! And it was all so visual, with the way her arm reached across his whole body! And needless to say they were laughing so much! But you know what? This was all part of the public performative thing which Meghan and Harry very clearly understand, and always have, and now their Royal Highnesses Kate and William are fast gaining an understanding of too!
Another really “public performative thing” was when Barack Obama turned up with flowers at Michelle Obama’s book signing. And once again I thought to myself “Oh please!” I mean, could he seriously not have presented his flowers to her in private?!  I’m sure that he does do this. But he needs to publicly give her support and be seen to be giving her support, so that the whole world can say: “Oh wow, he is so supportive of his wife!”, so that the whole world can be in no doubt that he strongly supports her goals, just as she strongly supported him in his role as President.
Of the top of my head, other couples who excel at this include Victoria and David Beckham, and Beyoncé and Jay Z.

So you need to do the public performative things, but you also need to do the private work, which is by far the most important aspect. You need to make times where it is literally just the two of you, as two normal, unremarkable people in love, shedding all consciousness of your roles, humbly exploring that love together, rather than thinking of yourselves as a Prime Minister and her husband. You need to nurture your marriage with so much attention, and time.
As a Prime Minister of either any gender (or none!) you need to constantly reassure your spouse that they are more important to you than this job. On one hand your marriage needs this even more than other marriages do because of the stresses of your role, on the other hand, it is even more difficult to be able to consistently provide these things, once again because of the stresses of the role. As I write this, it occurs to me that on embarking upon a leadership campaign you really need a plan to nurture your marriage and make sure that it survives. You cannot just rely on the fact that you sincerely love one another very deeply, and you’ve been together practically forever, like Ms Marin and Mr Raikkonen. For instance, without being privy to any details, all the same, I can confidently guarantee it to you, that the Obamas thought up a robust plan for the survival and thriving of their marriage, and still work to it.
Additionally, between the two of you, you need to have a way of declaring a “code red”, where you need to declare an emergency for the sake of your marriage and your family and you need to be able to walk away from everything, or step down like Jacinda Ardern recently did. That notorious video could have provided that point. While I am glad that Sanna Marin did not resign at that point, I really hope that the two of them took some time to really sit down and talk.

What they can do now: honestly, if I was Sanna Marin, I would take 6 months off my role. Possibly resign the leadership role for now. Surely under the current circumstances, everyone would understand. Perhaps go to a completely different country (once again with the dark shades) live a quiet life, just the three of them in their immediate family. Relearn how to connect. You know, this is not about courting public interest, but if they have not been doing the public performative thing, then they could start, if she ever intends to get back into the public eye, once they have done all the private work to get their relationship back to a strong place. And do it enough so that a bit of it trickles even down to us in the UK. “What, us, divorce?! Oh that was just a crazy wobble!” (Laugh it off!)  Also, Sanna Marin has been pictured in a passionate clinch with someone else who was not her husband (actually two someone elses – one male, one female). So, assuming there is truly no deeper story, as cynical as this may sound, they might need to produce enough pictures to show that she and her husband are deeply in love, to “drown out” that one video, so that they can laugh that off as an inconsequential bit of fun and letting off steam.  So I would say that from henceforth they need to be seen, at the very least, to be holding hands as often as possible. Perhaps Mr Raikkonen can take a leaf – or a whole bouquet – out of Mr Obama’s book (signing strategy) and always be on hand with an extravagant bouquet for his wife, ideally to be delivered with at least a tender kiss, if not an out and out smacker (sometimes), and a little shared joke, staring into one another’s eyes, laughing. The world does not need to know that they argued furiously that morning! As I say this is all performative, and it does need to be backed up with sincere private work. But as a couple in the public eye, you need to understand that your marriage needs a touch of that performative aspect too.

Ultimately I hope that they will be able to get wise words of counsel and I strongly hope for them that they will be able to rescue their marriage and the years of love that they have invested into one another.

I was also thinking: if Sanna Marin is walking away from her husband, and yet she plans to marry someone else, where on earth does she expect to get someone who is as supportive as this man?!  And someone who also knows and understands her that deeply, after 19 whole years together?!  Honestly, she needs to hold on as tightly as she can to the amazing man that God has given her, and give endless thanks for him!!!