Blog posts to write (while I still remember them!)

Why was I so angry though?! 
Revisiting a story I have ranted about endlessly on this blog, and asking myself: “Why was I so angry?!” I think that for me anger is a denial of something that should happen, a denial of something I believe that I am entitled to.  So when next I am tempted to get angry, I could ask myself what entitlement I feel is being infringed on:  what if I broke that sense of entitlement within myself?! Would that then help me to consider the situation more calmly?

So there’s this guy…
Explaining my perhaps cryptic recent posts: So there is this guy, and I know that he has in the past read this blog, although I am not sure whether he is reading it now. I hope he is, but I also feel nervous about allowing myself to even hope that he might be reading this… Additionally, in wanting to communicate with him through this blog I have written a few silly things out of insecurity, and I am irrationally hoping that he has not seen those – irrationally because it was because of him, hoping that he would see them, that I wrote them in the first place! 🤣🤣🤣
For once, the guy in question is actually a Christian, at least that is the way I think of him, although…
I’m asking questions of myself, of God, of the guy himself through these blog posts, (yes those same blog posts that I am partly hoping he has not seen – perhaps this is the teetotal Christian equivalent of “drunk texting”!) I’m confused, I’m optimistic.  Ultimately I’m thinking “Surely, at the very least we could be friends?!  But then I guess that that is not viable long term… As usual, I am confused about what is appropriate for me as the woman to say…volunteer… Honestly, I know that this is really “not the done thing” but in some ways I would just rather come out and say whatever I might want to say because I hate this dancing around in limbo so much. However, for once I want to do things the right way.  I don’t want to ruin anything by my own impatience…
Additionally, I have dropped so many fat hints here on this blog, like so many! If you are reading this, Mr Guy in Question, is there a possibility that you truly don’t know that I am talking about you – or are you just deliberately torturing me?! Or…  (Honestly, I really wish that you would just put me out of my misery! (She says…!))  OK, if I am to be honest, I think the reason why I would be happy either way, is that, without even consciously realising I am doing this until analysing it just now, I am hoping that either way, having this conversation would lead to a closeness between us which would lead to my emotional needs being met, but from a nice safe geographical distance which means that there is no danger of anything dangerous happening, like emotions accidentally spilling over. As I write this, I realise that I am being extremely unfair to you, and I apologise. Furthermore I know that at the moment you are tackling big issues, and I’m sorry for co-opting such an important time for you and making it about me and my emotional needs. That said, to be fair to myself, I genuinely don’t know whether I am completely making all this up, or whether there could be an element of mutuality to all this…  You know, I do actually tend towards thinking that this is real and I am not making it up! However it kinda feels as if it might be almost too much to hope this…

Or…Could you possibly be as shy as I am?!
Well if the guy in question is reading this blog AND he turns out to be as shy as I am, that would be completely fitting! Because you know, on one hand I am genuinely the most confident and outspoken person! People sometimes think that I am putting on an act, and “pretending” to be confident, but I am not, because I sincerely am like this!  And yet, historically I have been stubbornly, painfully shy when it comes to romantic relationships or even guys in general, no matter how hard I have tried to “pep-talk” myself out of it. I would like to make it clear that I have been like this with literally everyone, that is, men of different ethnicities including Africans and specifically Nigerians. A couple of times people have tried to set me up with their friends but after agreeing to it I essentially ran away, or acted very strangely! I apologise to the men in question – honestly I was not being rude! Or there have been times when I should have spoken up about quite serious things but did not because I was too shy even to discuss romantic issues! To be honest, that is one of the reasons I have sat here writing this blog, to normalise for myself talking about these issues, and thereby taking the fear out of them.
The one person that this shyness has not been true of is “the guy in question”, possibly because he and I were always too busy arguing! Never once in my life did it occur to me that he (too) might be shy because he is just as confidently outspoken as I am – or at least I always thought he was. But then it occurred to me: well, what if he is exactly the same as me?! What if like me he is genuinely confident, but also like me frustrated at his own shyness in this one, crucial area?! Actually there have been a few other guys that I have not been shy with, and the common denominator between all such guys seems to be trust, in that I just instinctively trusted them, although none of those interactions had romantic overtones.(Actually, on editing, I am realising that a big part of my trust was in trusting that none of these men would introduce romantic overtones on the sly into our friendship, so I could always feel secure in the friendship without fear of anything suddenly or scarily turning.) However, even if I trust the guy, to discuss romantic issues requires a certain vulnerability.  The difference though is that where trust exists, I can explain that I am crazily, irrationally shy, and ask the guy in question to be patient with me! So I would persevere, rather than just run away altogether!  But honestly, I feel no shyness regarding him/you just now at all!!!  (She says….!!! 🤣🤣🤣)