Ask yourself: what is it that you want to be successful at?

Ah, relationship goals. As far as I know, that was not really a phrase back then, as in it was not the catchy slogan it has become now (or is that couple goals – keep up Tosin!)  I’ve seen in passing a few relationship related content pieces today.  Firstly there was a woman on [a certain social media network] talking about how she managed to plan a big wedding for a modest budget.  A totally uncharitable and thankfully uncharacteristic thought flashed across my mind, which is not edifying to share here, but which all the same ties in with this blog post.  Secondly i saw another blog post, actually I read this one in full, talking about how to be successful in dating.  And I have to say, I agreed with all that was said. That would be exactly the best way to go about things if you want to be successful in dating. However, on the tiniest amount of reflection, that article there also feeds into this post.

So here’s the question then, which is just another way of saying what I always say, from another angle.
When you are thinking “relationship goals”, what are your actual goals? What is it that you dream of, that would constitute success for you?

Would it be:
-Being successful in dating?  Perhaps this would look like going on a string of fun dates with cool people, eventually scoring a catch of a great boy/girlfriend?
-Getting to the point of walking down the aisle, surrounded by all your friends and loved ones?
-Having a beautiful wedding, perhaps something to go on Instagram, or Facebook
– Being the envy of all your friends?  Perhaps receiving a gorgeous ring, parading an ultra-attractive spouse on your arm? Looking forward to living in a big, beautiful house? Perhaps getting married so you can brag about being married?
– Setting yourself up for a secure future by scoring a financially successful spouse?
– Looking forward to being able to start a beautiful family of well-adjusted children?

I don’t believe that any of these things are bad.  I believe that if any of these things were your goal, you could achieve them, there are ways to attain any of these things. If any of these things were my own goal, then I believe I would know what to do to pull out all the stops to make them happen. For instance, if my goal were ultimately to be successful in dating, then I would be the one writing about about how to maximise your chances of meeting someone via an app.

However, none of these things are ultimately my own goal. My own relationship goal is this:  to have a marriage that is successful not because of what anyone on the outside may think, but rather what the two of us think.  A marriage that will stand the test of time, not because we are putting on some kind of show, but because we are genuinely committed to one another, and hold one another in incredibly high respect and admiration. Do I want a lovely wedding?  Absolutely.  Not for the sake of one-up-(wo)manship, (at least, not any longer!) but rather because it is a time to celebrate beauty.  Will I spend lavishly on unnecessary gimmicks for the sake of impressing other people?  Absolutely not. I already know that if and when by the grace of God it happens, the big expense will be food, as I would love to share the day with many people. I have been to many weddings and parties and seen little touches which were undoubtedly lovely and even memorable, and yet if I were to see how much they cost, I would undoubtedly be saying “hell no!” at the prospect of paying for these things for my own big day.

Do I want a handsome husband? Absolutely!  Ultimately though, the most important thing is that I am attracted to him – and that he has earthshattering character and pursuit of Christlikeness.  I have to constantly remind myself of this, that ultimately character or lack thereof will decide whether or not I find a man to be attractive on an ongoing basis. I want to be deeply, irresistibly attracted to my husband not just now but in years and decades to come, so I have to make the right choice now.

I must admit that my mind automatically springs to imagine what the ultimate end could be when people fixate on other things. Perhaps this is the real issue at stake: The reason I act as if I’m right is because I honestly cannot imagine how people could productively have any other goals in marriage/relationships, other than my own. If you don’t want to get married then that is one thing.  However if you do want to get married, (and aim to stay married), then how realistically could you be focusing on other things for your marriage other than how to do your best to make sure that that marriage succeeds?  For me it is the easiest thing in the world to imagine how successful dating, or a big, glamorous wedding, or catching a rich spouse, or setting yourself to be the envy of your friends, could all ultimately end up in abuse, heartbreak, marital breakdown. It is easy for me to imagine it because we hear and we read about these stories all the time. How many times have I heard or read a woman say something along the following lines: “We had a gorgeous, no-expense-spared wedding, but within a year cracks started to show”  or “He told me he loved me, but when we moved in together, he suddenly changed” or “I discovered that my gorgeous, successful boyfriend (or husband) was cheating on me with several other women”?

So ultimately I would say “focus on what matters”. Open your eyes, look around, listen to what other people go through. There are so many things that we cannot control in life, but most of us can make an active input into the choice of our spouse.  And candidly, if you focus on getting to know one another in a non-pressurised, non-romantic setting first, if you develop a liking and a trust for one another, then that greatly takes the pressure off dating, and the pressure to present a false personality.

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Drastically changing the subject (this really should be a different post altogether) I found myself wondering – again – how ancient marriages used to work, ie before our modern times. And I found myself concluding, yet again, that the way we live in our modern Western times is simply crazy.  And unbelievably we herald this as progress, and we look down on the “backwardness” of other societies which do not have advanced “market economies” as we do.
In short, I believe that the modern, Western emphasis on “love” simply puts too much pressure on a relationship and that is one reason why so many relationships fail in our days. What I mean is this: the idea that you can take two people from different backgrounds, or even similar backgrounds, thrust them together without the strong support of family and wider community which other generations have enjoyed, and then expect that to work. I believe that that puts too much pressure on the interaction between the two people, or the nebulous, confusing concept of “love”.  You know how when you go swimming, that puts less pressure on your joints as the water holds up your body weight?  So I believe it is with community – that a shared daily togetherness in a wider, consistent community holds up a lot of the weight of a marriage and a family.  I think that the reason that marriage in our times does not work is because life itself largely does not work. The way the modern world operates almost necessitates individualisation/individualism (I need to consider exactly how/why this is the case). For instance, in my experience, we are employed as individuals, not as a community. This fosters an understanding that I have my own individual money, and I can make my own decisions regarding that money.  Actually, I quite like that.  However, one flipside is this: the fact that we can all have different work hours means  that suddenly we can no longer do things so easily as a community.  In London, we often lament that it is so challenging to successfully meet up with our friends.  However, in centuries gone by, at least in other parts of the world, we would not “meet up” with our friends so much as live the daily moments of our lives with them. We would talk with members of our community, laugh with them, cry with them. Undoubtedly many women would be having a good moan and giggle about their husbands to their female friends while doing women’s work even while their husbands would simultaneously be having a good moan and giggle about them to all their male friends while doing men’s work. And yet your marriage would be underpinned by a deep sense of belonging to this bigger community, never having to question who you are, or what you stand for, having a clear idea of the life path that lies ahead of you.  So that in itself would provide an ongoing, unshakeable sense of stability while you work out the kinks in your individual marriage. The same questions that you would ask about life would be the same questions that many other couples had also asked, and the community elders would be able to guide you through their lived wisdom. Man, I have such a romantic nostalgia for a life that I personally have never actually lived, but came so close to, of a community literally working together to achieve common aims. A life that is literally in sync with the rhythms of nature, for instance the daily setting of the sun. (I’m currently typing this at past 2 am – definitely not in sync with the setting of the sun here! This has recently been articulated for me most memorably through the Disney cartoon Moana, where ironically Disney is of course famously that bastion of employee cooperative rights – or maybe not!) Thinking of a life like this brings tears to my eyes – so strongly does the African blood flow through my Westernised veins.  But you know what, I was recently asking myself: “What stops us from living a life in community like this, right here, and now?  What stops us from making the most of 21st century scientific progress and incorporating cars, mobile phones the internet etc into a life that is at sync with nature, and full of animal calls… In a word, Capitalism, but that is a different post for a different day. I’m happy to give a brief taster though. I honestly believe that capitalism is the enemy of our souls. Or at least it is the enemy of my soul. Furthermore, even more drastically, I believe that Capitalism itself is the Spirit of the Antichrist, because it steals so much from us that is beautiful and instead gives us false, unsatisfying gods and other reasons too which I believe are very valid.  Off the top of my head, Isaiah 55 asks “why do you spend your money on that which which is not bread?”  I’ve always found this verse to be so profound, and it speaks to me of the human tendency to run around, wasting our time and effort on that which metaphorically, is “not bread”. Anyway, I’ve suddenly remembered everything I have to do tomorrow so I will leave it here 🙂