Thinking about “Rationality”

I’ve just been watching some YouTube “text exchange” videos. To be clear, it is not that that is an official name, I’ve just made that name up! For anyone who does not know what these are, they are videos made out of fictional text exchanges. The story usually goes like this: the two people (or more) highlighted in the text exchange are in some kind of relationship. Then a scenario occurs, and Person One usually acts in an implausibly selfish way, leaving Person Two (who is invariably reasonable and balanced) to be amazed at the selfish behaviour of Person One. Invariably, the selfish behaviour backfires and the selfish party is left having to pay the price for their dreadful behaviour. So these scenarios are themselves made up, but all the same composed of realistic human behaviours. And the thing about these stories is that they are written to be utterly outrageous, so that most of the time you are thinking “Yeah that would never happen!” But all the same, we’ve all read enough shocking stories to know that these things could happen! So we all know that each story is totally untrue or wildly exaggerated, but because they still represent attitudes that we know are out there, they are still totally compelling. So watching these videos can be a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine!

Well after watching a few of these videos and reflecting on them a little, I believe I understand a little bit more about what men might mean when they claim to be more “rational” than women. As I say, I know that these stories are not true, but all the same, I believe that something crystallised in my understanding.
For anyone who has been reading this blog, you might know that one of my biggest puzzles has been trying to understand what men mean when they say or imply that they are more “rational” than women.
Well due to watching these text exchange videos tonight, I came across this fact, (which apparently is a fact, written in the comments of one of the videos) that men are seven times more likely to divorce a spouse after their spouse receives a terminal medical diagnosis. In fact, someone wrote in the comments (perhaps the same comment?) that this issue is so well established that in some hospitals there are social workers that are specially trained to help women deal with their post-diagnosis divorces. Really. And this is at the time when your spouse is at their most vulnerable, and they need you the most, and then you would just walk away, “because you can’t handle it”. And it occurred to me that when men talk about being more “rational”, what they might mean in part is that they are just more lacking in empathy, so they are more likely to make cold decisions, and think that this somehow equates to being “more rational”.
Men will often say that women are more caring. The worst thing is that it occurred to me that men will often play women for their caring nature, while they expect that they will be able to get away with acting coldly.

These are big generalisations, and I cannot speak for all men of course. I know lots of men who are deeply caring, and considerate, and full of empathy. And yet, just thinking about the news that we all hear everyday, I am willing to state it as a fact that the average man has less empathy, possibly a lot less empathy than the average woman. You know, I am an ambitious businesswoman. And yet there are some business ideas that I just cannot do because they are so mercenary and exploitative. And yet men will often just crowd into these spaces – even supposedly Christian men. And they will often have no qualms about coldly trampling over other people. The mistake that people often make with me, that I just cannot understand is that I am so “kind” that I would sit there and let them continue to exploit me. You know, I was in this kind of blatantly exploitative situation not so long ago where a supposedly “Christian” man was exploiting me in an employment situation which was so bad that it was utterly laughable. And it was so egregious. When it became clear that this situation was unfeasibly bad, I diplomatically extricated myself as best as I could. And this man kept trying to get me back into this laughably bad “job” situation. And he honestly thought I would do it. And I thought: “What kind of idiot do you think I am, that I would wilfully allow myself to be exploited?!” You know sometimes, you can’t help it. You are forced by circumstance, you don’t have a choice. But to wilfully put yourself into that kind of situation?! If that is what being “nice” is, then I am really not as nice as you obviously imagine! This man had made a thing about my being nice (and I am) – but he apparently thought, as many people do, that that equates to being exploitable.

And you know what? I think that many men think this. From my experience, they think that they have some special God given ability to act without consideration of other people, and they think that that is being “rational”. And yet you just wait and observe these same people when you simply reflect their own behaviour back at them. I am really good at doing this. Some men have almost fallen over in shock. It’s almost as if they think that they get to be “rational” (cold) but as a woman, or rather as me specifically I am incapable of being anything else but sweetness.

Perhaps I should explain what I mean when I say reflecting their own behaviour back at them. The easiest thing would be to use some examples. However, some of these men might read this blog, and I don’t want to be too explicit. OK, one example is this: one man made an apparently “rational” decision in a fairly unthinking and unkind way way, but then apparently decided to change his mind. And then he was surprised to see the same firmness reflected straight back at him – oops sorry, that was the decision that you made! I guess he expected that due to my “sweetness”, he would just be able to casually change his mind.

Another man expressed his “rationality” in being [I cannot think of an appropriate word just now] – selfish? Inconsiderate? Disdainful? What is the correct word when you have made a big – no, huge, sacrifical effort towards someone, and then they reciprocate by trying to cheat you? Because that would be the word I am looking for! And he thought he was being “rational” because it was going to save lots of money, because “rational” apparently means taking any chance to save money, even to the extent of cheating people, regardless of any efforts they have made towards you. His behaviour then and in other situations just showed that he was devoid of empathy, and did not get it, literally did not understand the first thing about putting himself into someone else’s shoes. And he was supposed to be a Christian. In fact, he was supposed to be walking in Christian leadership. Yeah, right. Ultimately I walked away from that situation and that exciting privilege of being cheated. And once again he tried to play on my sweetness, thinking it would somehow compel me to come back. In fact, I suspect that the reason that he did that all along is because he presumed upon my sweetness to start with; he measured me up and worked out what he thought he would be able to get away with. People do that with me a lot, because I give so much effort to obey the word of God. You can almost see people rubbing their hands with glee at the jackpot that they think that they have hit with me. Please just take it from me, I walk away every time, and it takes all the self-control that I possess to not express to these people what I truly think of them. In fact, no, what am I saying?! It actually exceeds my powers of self-control because I have gone on to vent about each of these guys countless times!

Something I would like to get clear here is this: when I act in a generous way, it is not because I am incapable of acting coolly towards people. Rather it is because I choose to be kind, I choose to obey God. When you act in a way that is coldly selfish, and try to call it “rational”, it is not actually an expression of greater rationality. It just demonstrates that you are not working in obedience to God.
You know, I’m just going to come out and say it: “If you do not understand empathy then even if you can be considered a Christian, then you are definitely not mature to be in a position of Christian leadership.” Please don’t try and call it “being rational”, or “being a man”. It is simply poor character. As Christians, we are supposed to show kindness and love and generosity to other people. How could you have missed that in the Bible? Next question: you do read the Bible, don’t you, Mr Christian Leader?!!! Let me be candid with you: if you don’t understand this, then you don’t understand nothing! Please go and immerse yourself in God and immerse yourself in the Bible and immerse yourself in prayer until you at least have an understanding of something as apparently basic as empathy!
Another frustrating but overly true fact is this: so many people (and men especially, what a surprise!) of course want to be acknowledged in “leadership”, regardless of their true competence (or lack thereof). So often it is precisely those people who clearly do not have the first clue about true Christian behaviour and character who all the same insist on being acknowledged as “leaders” which is why they are so often responsible for cringe-inducing, rantable mistakes like these.

You know what? I complain a lot, a heck of a lot about churches and leaders and “pastors”. But it is not just me who complains. In fact, so many millennials have left the church. So many people have dire stories about what they have experienced at the hands of supposed Christians, or pastors. So my point is this: when I complain, I’m not just exaggerating. I am surprisingly not the common factor in all these complaints. Rather it is insincere Christianity in churches everywhere, churches I have been to within the UK and churches I have not been to, and churches in other countries too including countries that I have never visited. Guess what, people like me need faith to be real. It might come as a surprise to some pastors that congregants are not desperate to go to church just for the “privilege” of boosting the ego of the pastor, along with his bank balance. Pastors and all Christian people need to learn to live with the character of Christ. Pastors and all Christian people need to learn that they need to strive after this, they need to be synonymous with this.
I realise I’ve gone completely off topic. (Perhaps also behind this pseudo-rationality there is often a hard, stubborn pride that refuses to be teachable?) Anyway, please understand that if you have been acting in these coldly selfish ways as expressions of your supposed “rationality”, then the exact opposite is true, and you are actually being completely irrational.