The problem with men…[or Please rescue me Mr Huggie-Wuggie!]

Swiss Mountains

On this blog, I have often stated, very matter-of-factly, that guys fall for me very easily. I have not been bragging about this (usually), and it is a good thing that I have not been bragging because I have recently worked out that many of these men did not actually like me, rather they were sexualising me – and there is a big difference!  For many of these men I now suspect that mentally they were literally reducing me to a literal object, to be used sexually without any consideration of my own feelings at all.
Furthermore, I now understand that far from liking me, plain old misogyny, or misogynoir, that is, irrational hatred of women, or me specifically as a brown-skinned woman, was actually the root of much of the behaviour that I confidently misinterpreted as attraction. Man, I have been so confidently strutting my stuff as “the kind of woman whom men fall for”! Oh, to be so rudely disabused!  Thankfully, nothing whatsoever happened with any of these men, otherwise I would be so angry with myself just now. Apart from the male manager who was a little “handsy”, shall we say. That was completely one-sided, and I did not actively contribute anything to that weirdness whatsoever. He was actually the one who surprised me most. From reflecting on his behaviour, where previously I thought he was friendly but deeply misguided/sad/lonely, I now understand that he probably hated either me or himself – or likely both. Furthermore there was also a situation where I did contribute a lot to the weirdness, but only in awkward looks, and later on in very intense awkward written explanations.

Looking into my own heart, I can easily understand how there can be ambivalence in male hearts towards women generally and me specifically. Because on one hand I am more than capable of being strongly attracted to men, and yet on the other hand some aspects of masculinity deeply annoy me, and I am ready to rant endlessly about such characteristics. “Men can be so annoying!” she says with one breath, while praying for God to deliver her very own “annoying” specimen with the next!

All of that has been a characteristically long preamble before I launch into the story proper. And that story is to say: “Oh no, I suspect that I am starting to be on the receiving end of some unsolicited and unwanted male interest…yet again”. That is I do want male interest, of course, but not from the particular individual it is currently coming from. And considering what I have written above, I don’t know whether this is the kind of attraction that comes served on a foundation of genuine kindness and goodwill, or whether it is just yet more sexualisation. Either way, the answer to this particular man would be a “no”. The real problem that I want to talk about in this post is this: that men often just jump ahead to express interest in you. They don’t bother to develop a solid foundation of trust and friendship first. Because obviously the kind of foundation that I am talking about is two years long!

So now, because I don’t really know this man, I don’t really know what he is capable of if I were to turn him down.  I know enough to know that he just seems to be a regular guy, his actions do not seem to be couched in any kind of profound kindness and grace.
So if I were to come straight out and firmly put an end to this, would he be courteous?  Let it go, and act like it never happened, which is what I would prefer?  Would he just continue to persevere to express his interest – which is definitely what I would not prefer? Would he get angry that I had dared to turn him down?  That would be my nightmare. Would he start acting pettily to subtly undermine me?  I would hope that he might act with a sense of maturity. However, that is the problem when you don’t know someone well – you just don’t know.

So if anyone is reading this and thinking “Tosin, just tell him! [that you are not interested]” or if anyone might be wondering why women are often not straightforward, this could be a big part of the reason why. Namely, we just cannot know how a man might react.

I am just watching the situation with a faint sense of unease, and trying to mentally plot an escape route for myself…. To be continued

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