Remembering the past

I’ve just been viewing Facebook pictures of a dear couple from church. Does anyone recognise what I am about to describe?  Although pictures are put up there on Facebook for any “friend” to look at, I still felt a little awkward looking through all their photos as if I had been stalking them, so I had to send her a message, acknowledging that I had just been checking out their pictures!  Somehow that made it feel less like stalking, by sending an oh-so-casual message, saying how amazing the pictures were (and they truly were!)
Also you know when you know someone from one particular context, and you’ve always seen them in a particular light… Well looking at those pictures helped me see these people in ways that I had never seen them before, and helped me get a fuller appreciation of them as people.

But what struck me most about those photos was this:  a reminder of the need for married couples and families to regularly take pictures, then look back on them later to remember what they have been through together.  Perhaps this is also true for those of us who are single, to remember all the challenges that we too have faced and overcome in our lives. Photos have a way of triggering memories, not just of the precise milliseconds of time in which they were captured, but beyond that also of the broader period of life that they represent.  I believe that it can be easy, in the day to day hustle and bustle of life, to forget what you have been through together, and to even forget about all the different nuances of your spouse as a human being. I’m sure it can be easy to start seeing them in a very narrow way, coloured by everything that you are going through in that specific time.  However, looking back on your photos, especially those photos of the time before you were married, can hopefully help you to remember the different aspects of their personality that they demonstrated before responsibilities weighed them down.

I’m not suggesting that we should live in the past, but rather use these photos to help us remember that our spouses are three-dimensional people. Perhaps life has been so busy and full-on of late that it has been a long time since you heard your spouse laugh. And yet looking back at a photo can help you remember a time when they were full of joy and giggles, and know that this is who your spouse is really, beneath all that stress. Or perhaps things are so hectic that it is hard to make time to deeply invest into your appearance for one another.  And yet your photos can remind you of the times when your spouse had all the time available to dress to kill, and how lucky you felt to be with them.

Date nights:  Date nights can take this whole thing a level further, because then it is not just about looking back at the past, but actively making an effort in the here and now. Ladies, now is the time to get seriously dolled up.  Now is the time to take time over your make-up, to wear your hair glamorous and perfumed, to bother to wear nail varnish/do your nails, to debut your gorgeous new dress for your husband.
While he also sits before you also looking sharp and sleek, suit freshly dry-cleaned, shoes polished and shiny, fragrant not only with expensive aftershave but also with that masculinity that you found so irresistible.  Baby you smell so good! (Huggie-Wuggie I hope you are reading this!)  (Rereading this three months later, and wow that sound so cringey!  But still true all the same!!!)
Now is the time to truly focus on one another, to make the time to laugh deeply, laugh light-heartedly, dance, holding one another close, staring into one another’s eyes, reminding yourselves and each other why you are so crazy about one another, why you chose each another for a lifetime.  Now is the time to put your phones firmly away, to turn off notifications from work, perhaps even leave your phone at home, if that is not too unthinkable.

Or perhaps if money is a little tighter (as it increasingly is for all of us at the time of writing, Feb 2022) you could keep it low key, sensually feeding one another ice-cream and cookies on your sofa while a cheesy rom-com “cheeses” unheeded on the TV in front of you.
Either way, now is the time to pack the kids off to family, or to a babysitter, so that you and your darling can give one another some seriously needed attention, and all night long too – wink! In a way how would I know all this?!  I get all my knowledge from reading books, articles, movies and then also my own imagination.
However I would imagine that keeping this sense of energy, specifically sexual energy, strong in your marriage, would help you to deal with other issues and keep things in perspective, and also keep you excited about one another.  If by the grace of God I do get married, I imagine/hope that the date nights I share with my husband are going to oscillate wildly between high-octane restaurant trips (well it’s high-octane to me!  Or if not quite octane, maybe butane?!!!! Propane?! What were the others again?!) – going all out, getting glammed up, hair, perfume, new clothes, shoes, everything, everything, everything and then more low-key, long quiet walks together, hugs, sunsets, wearing everyday clothes.  This unsurprisingly illustrates the range of my [I can’t think of a better word, I’m not sure I’ve ever known it] “emotional energy”, in that I can be effervescent, and sparkling, and “laughy” (I must remember that that is not an actual word!  Why is there not another apt, accessible and convenient word to describe someone who laughs a lot, and loudly?!)  – but I can also be quiet, and erm quiet – and deep, and profound, and sometimes I love to just watch nature and listen to it, and it would be amazing to be able to share this with my husband. I hope my husband shares this same emotional range with me and would feel equally comfortable as I do at either end of this spectrum, as well as at any point along it. How about museums?  You know, I love the V&A – and handily the Natural History museum is really close by, which this affirmed creationist also loves!  However I would not necessarily choose this as a date because it is not really focused on one another. I would prefer to peruse these museums in my own time, so I can really take my time to look around and see everything as I want to do.  Similarly catching a movie or it’s more upmarket cousins theatre and ballet or classical music concerts are all lovely, and once again these all fall comfortably within the range of my emotional energy, so I would deeply enjoy any of these. (True story – a much younger version of myself dreamed obsessively of having ballet lessons and ultimately becoming a ballerina.  However – Nigerian parents…) However I would not choose them as date-night options, as again you are not truly focused on one another.  Rather in each of these you would be enjoying a pleasant activity in one another’s company, which is undeniably helpful to your marriage. However for a true date night I would want my husband and I to actively focus on one another.  Perhaps holding hands, looking into one another’s eyes and joking, perhaps being quiet together and laying your head on his chest (why are my eyes filling with tears just now?!)

And the key to date nights is to not just do this as a once-off, once in a blue moon thing but regularly.  Ideally once a week,or failing that at least once a fortnight.  It is precisely because of the stresses of life that you have to make the effort to do this, to keep fun, and keep a strong streak of vitality and energy in your marriage, through all the stresses and strains of everyday life. Furthermore you know what?   I spend so much time dressing modestly in the sense of unflamboyantly.  I’m not complaining, and this is a personal choice that I have made in line with my commitment to living a life of simplicity.  However the desire for gorgeous dressing literally thrums through my veins. Perhaps other people would recognise what I’m about to say here:  it would be beyond lovely to have someone to get dressed up for, to have a reason to make an effort, and spend big(ish) money and pull out all the stops.