Operation “Give the Man What He Wants”!

TLDR:  Baby boy, I promise that as far as God helps me, you’re not going to know what hit you – in a good way!

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This is another of those stream of consciousness posts – or maybe not really. What I mean is that there are lots of thoughts in my mind firing off regarding this post, and my priority is to get them all out first, before then shaping them into an ordered post.

All the same, I will try and start at the beginning. This post is going to be about ways I’ve recently (very, very recently – like 2 days ago) been inspired to think about my husband.  It seemingly came out of the blue, and it is so irrelevant to the way I have recently been living my life that I suspect that someone out there might be praying for me. That is, in recent weeks, I have been utterly preoccupied by something else entirely than finding a husband much less captivating him.  Hmm.  What is more, I suspect that I can even guess who that someone might be who might be praying for me. However, I may well be wrong.  Perhaps I am wrong about whoever might be praying.  Perhaps there is not even anyone else praying, besides Jesus. However, I am happily receptive if someone does happen to be praying!

So it is funny that all these extremely positive thoughts about my husband somehow came about as a result of my characteristically feminist thoughts. So I watched the following video on YouTube:

Now the reason I watched it is because the presenter like me is Nigerian. The difference is that (I imagine) she grew up in Nigeria and remained there, while I’ve grown up in the UK. This video shares views that I definitely would not call feminist (and yet, on reflection, it still is feminist in a way, in that women are sitting down and confidently sharing their thoughts and opinions.) It is intriguing to me to listen to people like her, because I often ask myself how I would think and what my attitude to marriage would be if I had remained in Nigeria.  From that, how much has my upbringing and cultural environment shaped me?  I often suspect that I too would espouse the same views if I had grown up in “Naija”, as Nigerians fondly call Nigeria. If the same person would hold to different views based on where they grew up, then is there a way to work out which view, if any, is objectively correct?

And then, that got me to thinking about my own blog. Crucially the part that sticks out to me most in the video was one where the guest, also Nigerian, said that wives should be washing their husbands’ underwear. This thought made me shudder.  Dear Mr Huggie-Wuggie, this post is all about I am learning to think in a more feminine and wifely way. However, I think I can safely assure the world that I will never be the kind of wife to wash my husband’s underwear. The thought grosses me out so much. Who knows, with a little more maturity I may find another way to think of this. However from my current perspective, it looks highly implausible.

So yes, that got me to thinking about my own blog, and men’s expectations. Something that I believe was mentioned on the video or some other media that I consumed around that time was this:  “men don’t want a wife who is this this this this…”  And I was reflecting that of course as women, our lives have historically been defined by whatever men might or might not want in marriage, because they as men have held all the power, that is, all the resources. To be able to live life with a modicum of comfort, free from abject poverty, a woman essentially had to get married, so she essentially had to submit to the dictates of what men generally might or might not want in marriage. Women have a full measure of human initiative of course, so throughout history there will always have been women who managed to beat the system, and get materially comfortable using their own cunning and wits. However, they are likely to have been outliers.  For most women, the predictable way out of poverty was to get married. Because of this, the idea of stigma towards an unmarried woman also makes sense, if being unmarried as a woman was also synonymous with being poor and helpless.

And yet, things have changed. Now women do have the means to go to school, get educated, earn a comfortable living, even though we are still wrestling with the gender pay gap. This means that women do not need to get married just to survive in the same way.  (Or at least it meant that about 20 years ago. I have seen quite a few articles in recent years about couple needing to prematurely move in together, for the sake of being able to afford rent. Or of single women not being able to afford to rent on their own. Which are both essentially the same thing as needing to marry to escape poverty, aren’t they?  The difference now is that the man needs the woman almost as much as she needs him. And literally just a few hours after writing this post, I came across another such post, available here.)  Actually, I am going through the same rent challenges as everyone else, but moving in prematurely with someone else would never ever be my own personal solution. Rather, my mind is still full of the newer 20th – 21st Century possibilities that are open to me as a woman to blaze a trail all on my own. Because of this, the prospect of marriage just does not have the same power over me as it might have done if I lived 200 years ago. Which means that the thought of whatever men may or may not want equally does not have the same power.

OK, now I really am going to talk about my blog!  Even without necessarily stating it explicitly, this blog has been all about that power dynamic, very unsubtly communicating to men that they no longer have that power over me!  In fact, now I can live a life where it is not necessary to get married, as it would have been previously, now I am the one with the power in the relationship! Because I further realised that as a woman I actually bring more to the marriage – with childbirth, and childrearing and looking after the home, alongside my own career – so now the real question is whether the man is going to be good enough for all the effort I am going to be applying! Furthermore, not all guys realise that they are no longer the ones in power in a relationship.  Power is often about perception.  So to be candid, many women still act as if the men are powerful, and they as women are not (“Why does not he not want me?” or “How to make him want you!” – etc etc).  If men are accustomed to dealing with that sort of “powerless”  woman, this blog exists in part to let these men know that I am not that sort of woman.  I know who I am in Christ, thank you very much!

So the post I was initially going to write after watching that video was going to be quite feminist, as usual! But then something weird triggered in my mind and for possibly the first time ever I was able to see things from a different perspective. (Still not planning to be washing his underwear though!)
The fact is that I do want to get married! I do want a husband and I do want it to be beautiful!  It occurred to me that on this blog I have been almost drunk with my newfound power.  But instead of using my power to beat men, and within that group my husband, over the head  (which actually I never planned to do, but perhaps from reading this blog he may not have known that) – I could use that same power to bless him instead!  I honestly cannot even explain right now the way my mind made the leap. All I can currently remember is that one moment I was thinking like a feminist, the next (a few hours later) I was thinking “let me give the guy what he wants!”

Here’s the thing:  if I do get married, then I hope that I can safely assure you that my husband is going to be very holy.  He is going to choose me as a spouse also because of my own commitment to God. I hope that it is fair to say that he would never insist on my being utterly gorgeous, because he is too busy being holy. And yet, here it is: even if Christian guys are too holy to insist on their wives looking phenomenal, even if they are too disciplined to let themselves stare at beautiful women, the fact is that Christian men remain biological beings, so we can trust that they like beautiful women just the same as everyone else! So if that is what the guy likes, but will never ever insist on, then as a loving wife, I will give it to him anyway!  If a man who is not a Christian can confidently expect to have his wife doing everything she can to look attractive for him, how much more should my Christian husband also be able to expect that?! Because he is so holy, and because he makes such an effort for Christ, and because he would never insist on it, or leave me if I failed, that is all the more reason why I should make an effort to bless him in this and every other way that I reasonably can. Or is it because he is holy that I need to make him feel like a martyr?!

Making an effort:  I have had ups and downs with making an effort with my appearance over the years. A few years ago, I wrote a post talking about how I was going to tone down my dressing, precisely so that men would not fall for me too easily. Well I have been doing that for a few years now and I have been saving so much money in this way, and now I am completely out of the habit of making a special effort in clothing and appearance.  Well now my plan is to get back into the habit, so that it will be second nature by the time it is necessary.
On this blog, I am always talking about the fact that I aspire to give a thousand percent in my determination for Christ.  Well my eyes lit up when it occurred to me I could use that same thousand percent energy to constantly be thinking of ways to delight and dazzle my husband, not just in terms of character and kindness and grace and humility and Christlikeness, but also in terms of being deliciously feminine.  You see, this is what I mean when I say that this could only have come from God.  A few days ago, being “deliciously feminine” was literally the last thought on my mind! In fact, many of my thoughts were emphatically not feminine because – yeah, I don’t really want to go into details!

My range:  I tried to explain this concept in that previous post about toning down my dressing, but off the top of my head I can’t remember how successful I was. When I talk about “my range”, this is a term I have made up, there might be a more official term for this. I mean the range of characters, or personality traits, or types of dressing that I could take on, and still feel like myself. So for instance, I am currently existing within the no-clothing-effort end of my clothing range. There have previously been times in my life when I have existed at the opposite end of my clothing and appearance range investing tons of effort, changing my nail varnish literally every day (quite wasteful of time, quite frankly!)  The fact though is that I felt comfortable and still 100% me at both of these ends.  There are some items of clothing that I would never feel comfortable wearing, because they are just not me.  These things are outside of my range. The same too is true of personality traits, personal characteristics to work on:  there is a wide range of personality traits and characteristics that I could exist in and still feel comfortably myself. I am completely open to my husband shaping me to his personal preferences as long as everything remains within my natural and comfortable range. Actually I have always been open to this, but I guess it is good to reiterate it in such a post as this!

So go ahead and tell me baby – what is it that you want?!  Do you like it when I wear extensions, or do you prefer natural hair?  Make-up?  Eyeshadow?  Or perhaps your tastes might change from day to day, or week to week – the choice is entirely yours, within my personal range, which actually is quite broad!  There are of course other things too, but I am wary that this is veering into the kind of post that my long-suffering sister would call “too much information!” But perhaps after writing such blazingly feminist posts for so long, it is appropriate to show a little of the other side too!  Long story short, my mind is running with ways I can cultivate softness and femininity within my life, in ways I have usually ignored thus far.  This is purely for the benefit of my husband. If I did not want or need to impress him or delight him, I would be more than happy just remaining the same low dressing effort person I am now – actually, no, I have been planning to invest more effort for a while now. But all the same, without the need to impress a husband it would never reach the level of the thoughts that are currently exciting my mind!

When I was thinking through this post I was blazing with enthusiasm and excitement, but the resulting post has been quite sober, actually.  Don’t be deceived Huggie-Wuggie, the enthusiasm and excitement has not gone anywhere, but I plan to unleash it all straight at you, when the time is right. Furthermore, I am not going to change my mind about this, I am not going to let up in my determination regarding this. Something just clicks in my spirit, and I know that this is truth. This is the single best way for me as an ambitious feminist to think about my marriage.  This is the single best way to think about my longed-for husband.  Even if he chooses not to reciprocate. There are so many more things I could say.  Ooh yeah, I almost forgot the thing about kissable lips. Long story short, in my entire life I have never bothered my mind about having kissable lips.  Perhaps because I was never kissing anyone. It is the more the kind of thing that I would have scoffed at when all those adverts came on TV. But you know what?  When thinking about all this, it occurred to me that this is the kind of thing that my husband would probably appreciate, even if he can never come out and say it.

That also has triggered me to remember something else that occurred to me in this context:  has it ever happened to you that as a woman you have watched your sane, sensible male friend get chatted up by a frivolous, simpering woman, and you are amazed to watch your sane friend get drawn in by it, and fall for it, right before your eyes!  Off the top of my head, this has never actually happened to me, but I have watched it so many times on TV.  I’m guessing this is how some of my friends felt when I was writing those posts about Mr TDA. Some of the things I was focusing on were so superficial. It occurred to me that in the same way I unapologetically liked those things which were so superficial, might be the same way my husband too might “secretly” quite like superficial things too!  If that is what the man wants, then instead of telling him or insinuating “you should not be attracted to that”, rather it makes more sense to recognise the reality of human biology and within my power, give the man what he likes!  Not because I am powerless, and I “have” to do this, but because I am powerful, and I choose to use my power to bless him in every way I can!!!  (Additionally, it appears that the “range” of my personal behaviour stretches from being deeply feminist to being almost sugary, but sincerely so, towards my husband – but all within the umbrella of a strong faith in Christ. Anything outside Christ is definitely, automatically, permanently out of my range!)

Postscript:  For any ladies reading this, please still be aware of the possibility of abuse.  If your husband insists for example that you have to dress a certain way, or wear a certain outfit, then that is not the heart of Christ – especially if you have explained that that is outside of your range.

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Stream of consciousness/further thoughts
– Potential Mr HW Feeling sorry for himself – knowing that I have a strong commitment to Christ, which is what he as a husband should be looking for, but all the same not quite being able to be excited at the prospect of marrying me! Hope that this post will help him to feel a little better about the situation! Or perhaps he knows/has known for a while that I am the one, but (unsurprisingly?) has never felt much urgency to get this relationship started!!!

– Getting the measure of me – sat down and studied me, and possibly understands me better than I understand myself. (Even though I try my hardest to understand myself)  As long as he can show me that what he wants falls within the remit of giving myself 1000% to God, and not limiting myself, then I am happy to do and be what he wants.

– Why I have never understood this, until now:  many Christians are out of the understanding of God.  As such, these people seem to suggest that as a woman, my utmost attainment would be to lower myself from walking in the full power of someone walking in the full power of Christ. Even fact, their understanding of the full power available to someone in Christ is in itself inadequate. And yet, I KNOW  that this is wrong.  As a Christian woman, I KNOW that the full measure of supernatural power is as readily, willingly available to me from God as it is for a man – that is, I know that God is as willing to give it to me as He is to give it to a man. If it is not, and cannot be God’s will for a man to be powerles sin Christ, then I confidently assure you that it cannot be His will for a woman to be powerless thus either! So for this blog, and Tosin’s Bible blog, my priority has been to demonstrate to these men and women, that actually, I have the same full access to God’s power as any man does, it is not limited by my gender. This new revelation that I have come to gives me a new perspective, that there are ways of walking in this power and specifically using that power to bless my husband. Perhaps Christian men will quickly come to see that it is in their best interests not to limit the power of their wives, but rather to encourage it, so that their wives might use their power to bless them as husbands in the way I now plan to do.

– Lovey dovey land – my mind can be quite single minded, in that when a thought enters my head, it will preoccupy my mind and I can think on it and build on it etc etc. Well since this thought has entered my mind of powerfully blessing my husband, I have happily released myself to imaginations of “lovey-dovey land”, that is dreaming of various scenarios when I  can softly express to him “I love you” and ahem, other related thoughts, you know, like we see in movies. Perhaps these are scenarios which a longsuffering would-be Mr Huggie-Wuggie out there has never quite dared to allow himself to dream of regarding me. “For with God nothing shall be impossible”.  I have never had the slightest reluctance regarding the idea of blessing my husband. My issue has always been this: that I know that it is not of Christ for me to pretend to be less than I am, and whenever people have suggested this they have been plain wrong.

– Oh, so it has finally occurred to you to use my prayers that I am always going on about against me?  Well if Tosin wants a prayerful husband, then I will give her a prayerful husband! Well let me tell you this Mister – two can “pray” that game! If you’re going to pray for me, then I will definitely for you too, and I hope that I can assure you that I will give as good as I get!

– You know what?  I want to do all this!  This is not anything that I am begrudging at all, but rather, eagerly looking forward to! I am always excited by the prospect of applying my thousand percent energy to another aspect of life.  I am never, ever going to accept anything that requires me to aspire after less, and being less than my capability in Christ. However, within that limitation, he can ask for literally anything and I would be happy to comply. Many of my angry stories boil down to supposed Christians asking, or even demanding, that I should make myself less than my capability in Christ, acting like this is somehow holy, or humble.

– (Once again – too much information?!)  I want to be your lifelong humblebrag, baby!  As in “he sighed almost theatrically, as he did almost every day at work.  His colleagues knew him well enough to know what was coming.  “You won’t believe what that woman has done now!””  Yeah, like that! Or, “from that tell tale light that flashed in his eyes, the barely suppressed grin that hovered about his lips, it was clear that he was trying, with difficulty, to restrain himself from bragging yet again about his “unbelievable wife.”” (If he had not been a Christian, he would pretend to think me crazy as a pretext for bragging.  However, as he is a Christian, he does not want to profess negative things into my life, so he has to come up with a harmless alternative to the word “crazy”.)  Either way, all these stories always end up with a big fat smile on his face, and grumbling behind his back, his colleagues wonder why he never seems to have the slightest intention of ending the relationship, considering that he “complains” about me so much!!!)

– Servant heart – this is like the wifely equivalent of the servantheartedness that Jesus in the New Testament mandates for leaders.  Historically within marriage, the concept of servantheartedness has been directed at men.  This is because men have tended to be the more powerful ones, as well as being the leaders. I believe that the broad principle is that as Christians we should use our power to serve one another, fulfil one another’s legitimate needs. So as women have become more powerful, this is a way that we can also use our newfound power to serve our husbands. The fact that the woman is becoming more powerful does not cancel out the fact that overall the husband remains the leader in the marriage.

– Learning not to fight against what/who the other person wants to be or feels called to be in God.  Rather, learning to submit to it, and learning to actually take delight in it.

– It sometimes takes some time for social attitudes to catch up with reality – perhaps that is why women still throw themselves into relationships with men who turn out to be abusive, because they or people around them don’t realise that there is nothing forcing them to “have” to be with a man any more. Perhaps too why there is no longer any tangible reason for stigma towards single women, none of the things that people might expect are necessarily true.

• Or you know, there might be no indication whatsoever that he likes something, but if there is a reasonable expectation that a man might like it, I could just go ahead and do it, as long as it is within my power – eg unless he tells me that he categorically hates soft kissable lips “I prefer them when they are all rough and dry!”