So I’m just sitting here thinking/praying “Lord, I’m lonely! And I really don’t know how to deal with it!” In a way I guess it is not unrelated to what I wrote about in my last post – having a zero tolerance for “drama”. It’s like you just can’t win: either you pine away in loneliness, or you throw yourself into these churches etc, and have to deal with the drama that they represent. Man, how amazing it would be to be able to have good reliable group of friends on my wavelength to meet with regularly, just chat, laugh, build closeness with – you know?! Also a group of friends that you could trust implicitly…. People to share food with. This is what Christians call “fellowship” and it is the yearning for this connectedness that has thrown me into church after church after church. Oh sighs! Well back to my prayers then!
Oh yeah, I was also praying that God would empower me to know how to habitually strengthen myself against these feelings of loneliness even while I am praying to find an excellent church community.
Here is the thing: It is not about perfection – it really isn’t. I mean that I’m not holding out for perfection or needing to insist on that. However most church communities I’ve been in represent not even an acceptable level of sincerity. Which means that if you are like me you go in there looking for friendship, and acceptance and community and lots and lots of shared meals, and instead you find… power struggles…sexism…racism…endless micro-aggressions. Please believe me, I have stories aplenty! Admittedly there have been lots of shared meals too, even alongside all that. However I have not found that the benefits outweigh the pain. I just can’t do it to myself anymore. I’m going to hold out for something truly excellent. (Maybe I am “secretly” hoping for perfection!) OK so I really am going to go back to my prayers now! 🙂 Lord in the midst of that it would be really nice to have a Huggie-Wuggie – jus’ sayin’! 🙂