Let’s talk about…decision paralysis

“Ponder the path of your feet, And let all your ways be established.”
[Also, is a “child-less” life selfish?]

You know, one of the quiet (subtle? ) benefits of this blog and my approach to relationships which I completely take for granted without even realising it is this: it completely cuts out decision paralysis.  I have already decided exactly how I am going to behave in every situation where a man might ask me out or otherwise express interest in me – if I do not know him well to have “two-yeared” him, simply say no!
How simple can that be?!

And because I have already worked it out at great length beforehand, I can be firm and unwavering in the moment.  You  know what?  I like to make life easier for myself. To be candid, lots of posts on this blog set out complicated ideas where I have to consider lots of different factors.  If I set lots of complicated factors for myself to remember during the moment, then you know that I would forget at least a few the conditions, and I would be trying to remember them right there and then. It simplifies my life no end to just be able to say a straightforward, blanket “No!”

Guys:  It has happened to me before, as I am sure it has previously happened to lots of women, that when you initially say “No”, the guy will try to persevere a bit, try to convince you to change your mind.  I’m guessing that this might be because he thinks you’re available to be persuaded, ie he does not know that this is a decision that you have already predetermined in your mind, and reinforced countless times.  Or perhaps a guy has already sized you up, and jumped to conclusions about the kind of person you might be, the kind of way you might live your life. I have quite a playful personality, and I laugh playfully a lot.  This apparently gives men the wrong idea about me. Many men apparently think that I am impulsive, indecisive or I don’t know my own mind (so apparently I am available to be persuaded…) As playful as I am, and as much as I laugh, I am neither impulsive nor indecisive and I spend lots of time trying to work out exactly what I should think, so that at any point I categorically do know my own mind. And then there is also the fact that people are always calling me “a really nice person”, which I am increasingly discovering is code for “can easily be taken advantage of”. The reason I come across as being “really nice” is that I am hugely committed to Christ and to the work of Christ. So in a church, people will never have to invest too much effort to persuade me to contribute in some way, whether that be giving my time, my money, my effort, physical labour. The problem is when you don’t know people so well, they think I’m easily persuasible, and they think that it is their persuasive power that convinced me to give my time money or effort, they don’t realise that this is an expression of my commitment to Christ. So they assume that they will easily be able to persuade me to do anything else.

One particular story springs to mind:  there was this guy, and yes, this guy was a Christian.  I think for the reasons I have outlined above he had established that I am “a really nice person”. He had invited me to some church things, to contribute my efforts, and I had easily, effortlessly said yes. (Hmm, as I am writing this, it occurs to me that those initial casual invitations could be ways in which they test you, to establish how amenable you are to their suggestions…)  Anyway, like an idiot, I had unceremoniously and happily said yes to those early suggestions, and I imagine from that he had concluded that I was easily persuasible.
Anyway, I tried out one of the things he had invited me to, then realised it was not for me, so I left. First thing was that he kept trying to get me back to this. I was trying my hardest to be polite, but I had already made up my mind that there was no way I was going back. So I had to keep diplomatically fending off this invitation (actually there was at least one time when I was less than diplomatic…)
And then it reached the point where I had left the church altogether, and he tried to get me to come to some mysterious meeting which I had apparently agreed to beforehand (but could not at all remember agreeing to) and I said “I don’t think that is relevant any more!)  I can no longer remember just how that phone conversation played out, but frankly I was so annoyed that this man did not appear to be getting the message.  But now I am realising that all those earlier, easier “yeses” probably gave him a certain idea about me, which he was unsurprisingly reluctant to relinquish.

I was extremely angry about that incident.  Was he trying to ask me out romantically?  I honestly could not say for sure, but looking back on it I suspect that that was the case, however at the time I had not the slightest inkling as I assumed it was for some church-related activity. Because I definitely do know my own mind, and I definitely know what I think about various guys/anyone before they ask me out, I would be equally angry about any man who tried to pressurise me to go out with him where I have said an emphatic “No”. Once again, I have an established routine for dealing with that which once again cuts down decision paralysis in the moment:  cut them off.  Nice and simple. Listen mister, I don’t know what is going on in your head, and I don’t have time to be wrestling with your cognitive dissonance.  When I have said “No”, I need you to understand that that means “No” and if you are somehow struggling to accept that, then it is just easier, simpler, cleaner, and quicker for me to release myself from any contact with you, so that I can carry on with my life in peace.  And then you can take all the time that you need to work it out in your own time, without wasting any further of my own time. Cutting someone off is ordinarily not something to be done lightly, as it is so permanent and it will break a friendship etc. However, when it comes to men I simply don’t care. There are so many ways that we as women can be vulnerable to men – yeah, I just don’t care. That is why as a man you should sit down and think about the way you interact with women, to make sure that you do it with grace and respect and consideration.

And you know what, something else that I also happily take for granted:  because of all this, so many possible issues, decisions and conversations are simply not a part of my life. I don’t dedicate any headspace to these issues, I never think about them whatsoever because they simply never come up. So many of the things you read about in relationships articles.  Some issues may be merely postponed until I too am in a relationship.  However, I hope it is fair to say that things connected with character eg “he was really nice, then suddenly he changed” – all those things are avoided altogether. I hope to keep you all posted…!