Grumbling, moi?!

You know what, I have been deeply shaken by the war in Ukraine.  I have no end of admiration for President Volodymyr Zelensky of Ukraine, and I feel hugely driven to pray for him and for the Ukrainians, and to encourage other people to pray too.  Just yesterday I read that Putin had – gasp – quoted Christ, yes, Jesus the One and only Christ – ***that*** Christ in reference to/justification of this war and I did not know whether to laugh or cry, I was so flabbergasted, and stunned and disgusted all at once.

In the context of all of that, and knowing what Ukrainians and other people are going through around the world, and what I am about to share, the fact that I would complain, thinking about the relative ease and comfort of my life is…something. In fact, on the whole I try my hardest not to complain (about my own situation), leaving my rants to be about inadequate churches and insincere Christians, largely because I like to consider my life with a huge dose of perspective. I like to remember at all times how stupendously blessed I am, relative to the vast majority of the world’s population. (Hmm, note to self, must resume my gratitude journal that I have now literally been procrastinating about for over a full year (beginning of 2021), because I just felt too busy…)  One big thing is that I like to remember that I have access to running water and sanitation.  My Mum and I have an incredible knack of articulating what the other is thinking, perhaps everyone is currently thinking this question:  when watching the footage of the war in Ukraine, my Mum asked “How are they managing with toilet facilities?”  Because – yeah?!  If everything has been bombed then… And yet practically everyone I have seen on TV somehow manages to look absolutely pristine.  Somehow, in the middle of a literal warzone, practically every woman I have seen manages to look perfectly put together, and elegantly coiffed, with perfectly applied nail varnish.  Like how?????

Another question which had occurred to me which this time was articulated by an online article:  How are women managing with their periods?!  If not the logistics of “feminine hygiene” (sanitary towels etc) then the pain and agony?  Apparently, according to that article’s headline (as I could not actually bring myself to read the article) mismanaged periods can actually lead to death.  Wow.  I honestly did not know that.  Utterly shocking. The painful truth is that at the very best of times my own periods are a literal bloody hell and they form such a big part of my life that I honestly don’t care how much of a social taboo it is to talk about them – yes I will complain, and very loudly!  It has been the case that my periods have caused me so much pain at work that I have had absolutely no choice but to explain to my managers, many of them male, exactly why I am in such distress. I have even had to miss (half)days off work.  And this is in the comfort of everyday life, with running water and hot water bottles and working toilets etc and super-strong painkillers. As much as I hate narcotics, at one point I had to resort to the strongest painkiller that is available over the counter, codeine, which is an opiate, and can cause addiction if abused. So then to even imagine trying to navigate all this in the context of a war is so harrowing that I could not even bring myself to read the article.

You know what, I think I’ve cured myself of the grumps just by writing all this out.  So I will not in the event tell you what I was going to complain about.  However I will still make my main point which is to explain why I was complaining in the first place. My mind is just not in the right place. My mind is tired, and I have not recently been able to implement my usual routine, which usually helps so much with my mental health. I pray. I bring my heart before God. I never actually manage to have an orderly routine, but I try my hardest to approximate to one. I apply lots of time and effort to support my own mental health – ordinarily.  Things have been truly chaotic of late and so I am struggling to engage with these things which usually keep me grounded.

So today I am going to give myself an early-ish night. I’m going to go to bed, and tomorrow I am going to pray and immediately re-implement my usual schedule. I am going to re-instate my gratitude journal, even if it is only 5 things a day I have time to write out.  If you have never tried this before, it genuinely helps by consistently filling your mind with positivity, and encouraging you to focus on that. I have discovered that having a mind consistently filled with positive thoughts and reflections is the secret to my own genuine joy, and that just radiates out of me in a genuinely sunny disposition.  And by the grace of God I am always, always, always going to list out, in my gratitude journal, as I always have, the blessing of having a warm roof over my head, running water and reliable sanitation, food, so many beautiful clothes, a loving family, and above all, a God who is as awesome as the Almighty God.  I was just thinking today how patient my God has been with me over the last few months. Wow. Thank You Lord. I don’t want to go into details (just now) as it would just make me feel too vulnerable at a tender time. Thankfully nothing overly awful or life-changingly bad happened.  In fact nothing truly bad happened at all. And that is actually part of the point, that even at a vulnerable time in my life, God’s protection has surrounded me. Now I want and need to deal with that vulnerability.  And I urge us all to carry on praying for Ukraine. And Syria. And Yemen. And all the other heartbreaking humanitarian crises that ravage our world. And the climate change. And Islamic militants in my ancestral home of West Africa.  But also to make serious proper time to invest in your own mental health.