Avoiding cheating

Well a few hours ago on Medium I was reading an article about how to spot the signs of cheating.

And that got me to thinking on how to avoid cheating in your relationship.  You know, there are probably some deep-seated issues and some deep personal analyses to apply here.  For instance, I was thinking that whether we admit it or not, each relationship probably involves some trade-offs, and the potential for cheating might arise in the vulnerabilities of those trade-offs.  Like let’s say for example that your spouse is the sweetest, kindest person, but you’re just not that physically attracted to him…And then one day you notice the most physically attractive person you have ever met staring at you…
So perhaps there is lots of analysis that you could apply to yourself before you get married, or whenever you feel yourself being attracted to someone.

That is quite deep stuff, and it will need some deeper thinking on my own part.  Here however I am going to talk about a few ideas which are easier and more accessible:

Some things that you would ideally do before getting married:  understand that marriage is first and foremost about commitment to your spouse, no matter what, and no matter who you may meet.  I can almost guarantee that if you are married for any significant length of time, then you will meet someone who is “better” than your spouse, or whom you find more attractive. So ideally it is best to develop the mentality within yourself long before that even happens, that no matter what, this is my spouse, and I am going to be committed to him as if he is the only man on earth. And you need to keep fiercely revisiting that goal – perhaps more than ever when your spouse annoys you or frustrates you, as this is when you would be most vulnerable.

Additionally, these are things that you can do after marriage (or before, if you are not married yet.)

0. Above all, make a commitment to faithfulness.  Ask God to give you a hear that desires to be faithful. Ask Him to give you all the necessary determination. This includes not just being faithful to your spouse after you are married, but also refusing to romantically or sexually interact with someone who is already married.

1. Be honest with yourself.  REALLY honest.  Something I would suggest is to try to identify what consistently makes you attracted to someone.  This might require deep honesty because there are reasons which society tells us are acceptable to be attracted to someone, and some of the reasons you identify might not be acceptable reasons – at least among your circle, like your respectable church circle, for instance. Remember that if you are attracted to someone, then you don’t need to act on it.  But at least if you know your own reasons, then you can be aware and on your guard. So, if someone comes along who ticks those boxes, then instead of sitting there like a duck waiting for attraction to inevitably strike, you can quietly remove yourself, as far as is possible, or try to avoid contact with them.  These reasons might be constantly changing or evolving as you change or the circumstances of your life change.  So keep evaluating yourself, keep being honest.

2. Have a man-plan, or a woman-plan. This is behaviour to systematically apply with someone of the opposite sex, or whichever gender you might be attracted to. Also be aware that people from your own gender might also be scheming to seduce you.
The key to my own man-plan is to systematically apply this behaviour to every single man.  Everyone, without fail. To summarise, I try to avoid being alone with guys. It is usually quite easy to avoid this. What I need to look out for are two things 1. Just forgetting on my own part  2. When guys try to pressurise me to be alone with them, for any reason.
What I would advise is this: as you formulate your man/woman-plan, and/or as you add extra items to the plan, practise each item until it become second-nature. Especially practise how you will extricate yourself graciously when it becomes apparent that someone is trying to trick or pressurise you into being alone with them, for instance. Practise saying an emphatic but polite “No” and walking away. I think this is why breaking my own man-plan seems almost inconceivable to me, because each of the behaviours are now so deeply ingrained within me as to be almost second nature.

For my own man-plan, just as I am writing this it occurs to me that I should apply a daily “dead-zone” when I just do not directly interact with MOTOS (members of the opposite sex) So, for instance, if my dead-zone was between 7pm and 8am, if I found myself chatting with a guy as 7pm approached, I would find a reason to break off the conversation.  I’ve already written about this before on this blog. However then I think I just referred to “a late hour”. The difference here is that I am explicitly stating a time.

3. Beware of other people’s intentions.  Remember that you do not live in someone else’s mind, so you do not know whatever someone else may be plotting or scheming in their mind – possibly involving you.  Keep your eyes and ears wide open, and if you do notice someone’s behaviour is a little dodgy, or overly friendly, or just a little off, I’d say find a way of diplomatically walking away.

I think that people with adulterous intent bank on the awkwardness that you will be feeling and/or the fact that these things are so difficult to talk about to keep you in the situation. Make no mistake about it – they have probably practised what they are going to say, how they going to gently stroke your shoulder etc, throw their head back and laugh. Imagine how surprised they will feel when you handle the situation like a pro, with utmost graciousness, and simply just walk away.  And then, as difficult as this may seem, you have to cut them out of your life.  Otherwise they might just try again, and keep trying, with renewed determination.  If it is difficult to cut them off because you work in the same job or go to the same church, for instance, then you might have to apply some big imagination.